Changing Amy

Starting to sink in....

2012-01-13T14:09:00.003-05:00

I am sitting here in my unusually quiet apartment reliving what I did just days ago. I am in awe of the experience and can't feel more grateful that my Father and Mother in heaven wanted me to have such a gift in my life.

Giving birth naturally was probably my greatest fear. I never thought I would be able to do it. I prayed and prayed for weeks before the birth for the strength to accomplish this goal so that my baby could have the birth I knew was so important for him. One day, while meditating, just a day or two before Henrik was born, I received the distinct impression in my mind that I already had the strength I would need. The exact words that I felt in my heart were, "You already possess the strength of the pioneers." I couldn't believe it, yet I knew it must be true. I stopped praying for strength and started focusing all my energy of peace, faith and charity.

I have known for so long that having our baby naturally and at home was not something I had to do, but something that Heavenly Father had invited me to do. He was offering me a gift of knowledge and experience that would help me throughout my life if I wanted to accept it. I couldn't turn that down no matter how great my fear was. I accepted and for months expected the Lord to teach me marvelous things as I labored and finally gave birth. This was not the case. As I was in the midst of labor I was so tired after days of labor and months of little sleep. I was emotionally drained and I needed my Father in heaven so much. Looking out the window and seeing the snow softly falling, coating everything in the purest white I was filled with the love of my Eternal Father. I knew that snow was meant just for me and no one else. I knew in that moment that Father was with me and my baby and that He would see us through.

As I sit here in quiet remembrance of the sacred event that took place in this very room I am overcome with emotion and realize that there is much the Lord wants me to learn from this experience but it was not meant to come all at once. I know that this experience will be very similar to that of my mission, I can learn from it every single day for the rest of my life...if I let it teach me.

How wonderful is the great Plan of Salvation! How sweet and kind is the Lords great plan for us. How marvelous to be on His errand and doing His work. How precious to be given these two special boys who will grow to be men of the Holy Priesthood, enlisted to defend truth and righteousness and the holy name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

It is all starting to sink in. I have never felt this depth of gratitude. I have never been so blessed.

Another Boy

2012-01-10T12:32:00.003-05:00

I'm starting my fourth day as a mother of two. So far, so good....and weird.

I didn't really know how it would feel to all of the sudden have two children. Honestly, it's wonderful but so strange. Freddy is still my Freddy boy and I love him so much but now I have another boy.

I have another special and sweet tiny little baby to take care of, love and get to know.

It has been so fun to see Freddy take on the role as big brother.

It has been so tender to see my husband take on the responsibility of another child.

It has been an honor to birth, nourish and nurture my newest boy while continuing to love, teach and nurture my big boy.

Henrik's Birth Story

2012-01-09T02:04:00.002-05:00

Click below to read all about it

Henrik's Birth Story

Best Decision I Ever Made

2011-12-29T10:39:00.002-05:00

Four years ago today, I made the most important and best decision of my life.
I married my best friend.
I married a man not only completely devoted to me but also to the Lord.
He has proved to be an equally devoted father.

I couldn't ask for anything more in my partner.

I love you Burgess, more today than ever before. You are my greatest gift. I'm thanking God for you today.

Season of Giving

2011-12-16T20:33:00.004-05:00

I love the Christmas season because I LOVE LOVE LOVE giving lots of gifts to friends and family. Usually, I am planning and making lists very early on. I love the shopping and the baking or sweets and I just LOVE the giving of holly jolly goodness.

This year unfortunately we have had some major financial struggles. We were able to get one gift for Freddy and that's it (I'm so grateful we were able to do that much!). We had to ask to be taken off the annual family Christmas gift name exchange list. Even worse than that we haven't had any money even for food (luckily we were accepted onto the WIC program and have a food storage built up).

We have cut corners in every possible place and the math still isn't adding up. It's a little bit unsettling considering we are due to have a baby any day now. We have been a little stressed out around here, but we have been trying to keep positive and keep the faith.

Even though I have felt like we haven't been able to do much giving this season I have been blessed with a few opportunities to give and I am so grateful for that. One of those times came when a new friend of ours texted me one day and asked if I could bring her family dinner that night. I knew that I couldn't afford to go to the store and buy anything and I also knew that I was using the only food I had to feed my own family from but I was so happy to have had enough food in the pantry to share with a family that needed help. I always try to remember what my grandmother used to say, "You can't give yourself poor." I totally and completely believe this to be true and pray for more opportunities like this every day.

We have also been on the receiving end a lot this season and we have been very humbled by the love that has been expressed to us. We have received a lot of help from both of our parents. We have had some car troubles they have helped with and they have been very generous to share with us when we have run out of certain basics - even filling up our car with gas.

Burgess came home from work today and brought in a package of butter. No note was left. Just the butter. I am almost out and have been worried because a lot of the meals I had planned called for butter and I knew what I had wasn't going to last.

Some "Secret Santa" has chosen our family for a "12 Days of Christmas" gifting. Guess what they chose to give our family? A little nativity scene. Not just any little nativity but a little wooden set similar to the one that I grew up loving as a kid. I know this idea is not new to many people. I have heard of this idea before and always thought it would be a fun thing to do. The thing is, I collect nativity sets. Burgess gets one for me every year...except this year he couldn't. I have been wanting a little wooden set for a very long time now, one that I could share and enjoy with my little kids as they grow and learn the story of Christ's birth. I am so humbled by this gift especially because we are new here. We don't know very many people in our neighborhood or even our ward yet. No one could know of my love of nativities (I keep them up year round). I haven't even told anyone that I'd been wanting a little wooden set. Whoever has chosen to give us this gift must have been completely inspired of the Lord. They will never know the gift of faith and love that they have given to me and my family by giving us this little Nativity set, one piece at a time.

What a wonderful season this has been. At first I was so sad thinking this Christmas would be so depressing not being able to spend it the way we normally do, buying and making and giving lots of presents to the people we love. Instead we have received a deeper understanding of what this season of giving is really about.

My Wish

2011-12-16T10:52:00.001-05:00

My Christmas wish this year is that someday I will have the means to do something like THIS.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 24 (and just for fun - Day 25)

2011-11-25T11:49:00.003-05:00

YESTERDAY (and today) on Thanksgiving 24 November 2011, I was (am) grateful for my little family. The holidays are so much more special now that I have a family of my own. I am grateful for the husband I chose and I am reminded every single day that I not only made the right choice but that I could NOT have done any better than him. I am so grateful for the children I have been blessed with. Freddy is my joy and my life and I will be eternally grateful for what he has given me. I can already feel what a special little guy Henrik is. I know he has a very sweet little spirit because I can feel it every day.

I am also extremely grateful for my Heavenly Family. I am grateful for my Father, Mother and Brother Jesus Christ who have a plan for me and my family. I could not be more grateful for the personal relationship that I have developed with each of them and cannot wait for the day when I can stand before them (physically) and thank them for everything they have given me and my little family.

And today, 25 November 2011, I am grateful for leftover apple pie, Christmas movies, Christmas music, Christmas lights, and Christmas trees!!!! All of which will be a part of my day today.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 23

2011-11-23T12:04:00.002-05:00

This 23 November 2011 morning, I am so grateful for our Coffield Family Home Mornings. Burgess is not home on very many evenings and so as not to forget to hold such family strengthening meetings we have our weekly FHE's in the am. This morning was a particularly spiritual and wonderful one. It was kind of a surprise.

I was sitting on the couch and though, "oh we haven't done FHM this week and it's WEDNESDAY!" I asked Burgess if he would like me to prepare something, he gratefully invited me to do so. I thoughtfully, but kind of hurriedly put something together and we all gathered on the couch and sang a hymn, said a prayer and discussed the principles of the gospel that apply to our family situation at present. I felt a little like a young missionary again, feeling the spirit but not knowing exactly how to express what it was I wanted to convey. But apparently everyone was feeling the same spirit because just as the lesson was ending Freddy looked up at me (I noticed his arms were folded) and he said, "Mama, I LOVE JESUS CHRIST!" It came as such a surprise because during the lesson Jesus was never mentioned by name. He wasn't repeating something he had heard, he was expressing a truth he really felt in his heart.

Burgess and I both embraced our sweet son and cried. We all snuggled and told each other how much we love each other and then Freddy said, "We a happy FAMILY!.....SING IT MAMA!" We closed with a prayer and then snuggled and sang songs and played and ate breakfast all together. What a wonderful morning it has been.

I am so grateful for the commandment to take this very special time as families and I am grateful for the spirit that attends our meetings and touches all of our hearts....especially the really little ones.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 22

2011-11-22T11:38:00.002-05:00

After a painful nights sleep, on this 24 November 2011, I am grateful to be pregnant.

This has not been a particularly fun pregnancy and as usual the more pregnant I get the more painful it becomes. I find myself dreading sleep because it is just so painful to lay there on my hips and no number of pillows makes a real difference. I have constant heartburn and feel like I am suffocating half of the day. I am exhausted all the time and feel guilty for not getting out and doing more with my Freddy boy.

With that said, I am still so grateful to be pregnant. This pregnancy did not come easy. I wanted this baby for so long and now that I finally have him warm and safe and wiggling inside of me I *almost* never want this pregnancy to end. Despite my aching back, the stinging in my hips, the heartburn (OH THE HEARTBURN), the sleepless nights and complete lack of energy, and all the contractions.....I am so happy to be pregnant. I am so thankful to be able to create this life, carry him and give birth to him in the coming weeks. I am eternally grateful to be the mother of this child.

Today, I am very grateful to be pregnant.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 21

2011-11-21T16:33:00.002-05:00

I am grateful for my husband who helped me get the house put back together today. I am grateful that since I had help with the chores I still had energy to work on the baby's quilt a little bit more today. I am grateful for a visiting teacher who comes and chats and listens and shares a thoughtful message with out seeming rushed or inconvenienced by our visit. I am grateful that Freddy got to pay with her two little kids (even though he was super tired and grouchy and not being the nicest Freddy boy in the world) while we visited. I am grateful for the snuggle I had with Freddy while we shared lunch and that he is finally resting peacefully. Back to the Henrik's quilt :)

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 20

2011-11-20T14:44:00.002-05:00

Sunday, 20 November 2011, I am so thankful for uplifting and spirit driven lessons during church meetings. I am so grateful to feel so at home in our new ward. I am grateful for the peace and comfort that we have received as we have settled into our new home. It is so nice to KNOW that we are where the Lord wanted us to be.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 19

2011-11-19T15:54:00.002-05:00

I am grateful today, 19 November 2011, that I woke up early and went to choir practice. That my dad called and invited Freddy and I over for breakfast and that when I went to get the mail I found a paycheck I wasn't expecting there. I am also grateful for my husband who unloaded the dishwasher before he went to work this morning AFTER he had already been up for a few hours working. If there is ever a time he is not working he is serving someone in his family. He is my hero.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 18

2011-11-18T14:16:00.002-05:00

On this kind of gloomy 18 November 2011 I am grateful for a husband that very willingly and very carefully will trim my toenails because I can't really reach them anymore. I am grateful for a husband who will shuck clams and clean shrimp perfectly - like Gordon Ramsey style. I am grateful for a little boy who says, "Mama, I need a snuggle you..." and "I need a tissue for my HUGE BUGGA..." And also carries around a cookie monster doll wrapped in a blanket and very lovingly places him in the baby swing to sleep and then commands me to "SSSSHHHHHH!!!!!!! Cookie Monster is SLEEPING!"

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 17

2011-11-17T12:22:00.001-05:00

I am grateful on 17 November 2011 that I have a temple right up the street.

Just me and my Freddy boy

2011-11-16T16:57:00.006-05:00

Freddy has been so fun lately. I don't think it's because he recently changed in some way...I think it's because I've been changing.

The last 6 months have been so very challenging and stressful. This pregnancy has not been easy on me physically or emotionally. The stress of moving took its toll as well and I feel like I have been on the brink of depression for way too long. I'm so sad that Freddy had to live with a mother like that for so long. He is such a wonderful child and I always feel so guilty when I'm not just as perfect as he is (which means I feel like that pretty much ALWAYS).

Anyway, since we have moved and settled into a new home and environment I feel like I have finally been able to relax again. I have a midwife I totally trust and I'm feeling completely confident about the homebirth we are planning for Henrik. I feel like I can finally breath again (which is funny because physically I canNOT breath and my constant heartburn is suffocating me!)....Since things have settled down, I have been shocked at how much fun Freddy and I are having each day. Even though we are inside most of the time and I am still trying to rest as much as I can we are having a blast!

We play blocks and build super high towers and then knock them over and laugh and laugh. We talk about how much daddy is going to LOVE our "HUGE" tower, even though both of us know he'll never lay eyes on it.

We play trains and go round and round the track saying, "chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga....CHOO CHOO!!!!!!"

We bounce and BOUNCE on the......... "COLORFUL....BOUNCING....BOUNCING......BOUNCING.....BOUNCING.............BALL!" (the birthing ball).

We dance and we sing and we plug each others noses while saying silly things in the funny nasal voice that comes out.

We play with a yellow balloon and throw it up in the air and try not to let it touch the ground - this is completely thrilling and totally suspenseful EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

We paint pictures and color pictures and write lots of things on big pieces of project paper.

I chop up vegetables and Freddy steals bites of them thinking he is so sneaky and funny while I'm thinking this is a great game cause he would NEVER eat these things so willingly if he thought I wanted him to.

We read stories. Freddy reads most of the stories to me. He remembers them all word for word and just loves to look at the pictures and read with me. He sits on my lap and gets so comfortable and snuggles right in and as I read he will finish the sentences or just take over altogether. I am always shocked when he can do this after we have only read a story once or twice....it never gets old, his intelligence.

We play dinosaurs. My dinosaur (Blue) always wants to sing and dance and Freddy's dinosaur (appropriately named, Dinosaur) always comes flying at mine. It is the cause of much laughter.

We have tickle fights and Freddy always loses (but that is the way he likes it).

We talk about his dreams. Lately he wants to talk about the flying bug in his dream. He also reassures himself that I am not a dinosaur like I was in his dream but I am in fact "just a mama", and tells me about how daddy saved him. He also had a dream that he was "lost and fallin' down" - we snuggled and snuggled after this dream quite a bit.

We "send messages" on Skype to our favorite Skype contacts (Auntie Kerstin, Nana, and Ye Ye). This is a favorite activity.

We watch videos on the computer. Freddy's favorites are as follows, "Video I'm Born", "Video I'm Eating" and "Video I'm Playin' Wii".

We talk about Henrik and to Henrik and Freddy is always so quick to give his baby brother lots of snuggles and kisses and to say, "It's OK Henrik, we right here...." He's anticipating LOTS of crying and we talk a lot about how we can make Henrik feel better. These things include, patting him on the bum, giving him "mama's milkies" and giving him a "blankie".

We have also started watching "THE PRICE IS.....RIGHT!" (on occasion). It is so funny how much Freddy gets into this show. He will yell out, "WE WON $25,000!!!!" and I've even heard him telling his "guys" (stuffed animals) that they have, "WON A NEEEEW.....CAR!"

Today we went outside. It is sunny and beautiful out today. It is warm enough in the sun that we went out with just a hat and a sweatshirt to play. We piled up the leaves and threw them up in the air. We hit the leaves with a "BIG STICK" and watch them go flying. We played hide and seek, where Freddy hid in between two branches of a tree every single time. We tossed a beach ball back and forth and "ran FAST, SO fast". We threw leaves at each other and tickled each others noses with little "baby leaves". We snuggled in the sun when we got a tad bit chilly and then we sang songs including a made up one that goes like this:

Twinkle twinkle Freddy's belly, how I wonder if your smelly. Up above your knees so far, like a pumpkin on a bar. Twinkle, twinkle Freddy's belly, how I wonder if your SMELLY!!!!!

We played and played until we were too tired to play anymore. It was wonderful, just like every other day as of late. These last few days have reminded me of how sacred the past 2 years, 8 months, 1 week and 1 day have been.

It's been Freddy and me for almost 3 years. Just us. He's been perfect and wonderful and I have struggled and made so many mistakes. It makes me sick to think about how much of him I missed out on when the days got long and hard and I allowed myself to be grouchy, selfish and impatient. My heart aches when I consider the times that I didn't handle myself as a mother of the Lords divine children should, and caused my precious little boy pain.

I have been humbled to tears when I think back on this time and am confronted with the fact that Freddy loves me so purely and so powerfully despite all these mistakes I have made. Despite my complete and utter imperfection, this child, this perfect child, still loves me and thinks I am wonderful.

I am so excited for Henrik to arrive. I am so excited for him to officially join our family here on earth. I can't wait to hold him, nurse him, snuggle him, sing to him and love him every day. I can't wait to see what he looks like and to see if his personality is anything like I have imagined, BUT....

at the same time, there is a tiny part of me that is so sad. I am so sad that this very sacred time that I have had with my first born will be coming to an end. Soon it will no longer be just me and my Freddy boy. I'm not sure how to explain it. All I know is that this time with him has been the most amazing time of my life. I have learned and grown so much as I have mothered my little Freddy boy and I am sad that I am now moving on. I guess it's kind of like coming home from a mission...it's so exciting and just WONDERFUL but at the same time it's so hard to leave and your so sad that its over and you know that once your gone you can never go back.

Freddy,

I just want you to know how much I love you. I can never thank you enough for being my first born. You are such a special boy and I know that no one could have ever done the amazing job you have done of bringing me closer to the Savior. No one could ever take your place. You will be my baby boy forever. I'm sorry for all of my mistakes. Thank you for constantly forgiving me. You have taught me so much....you will never know. I love you, I love you, I LOVE you. I hope you will always know that.

Are you ready to be a big brother? I know you are more ready for this than I am...

Love you too much and TOO much,

Mama

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 16

2011-11-16T12:03:00.003-05:00

Today, 16 November 2011, I am grateful for my husband who woke up at 5:30 to work on his documentary, then made all of us breakfast, did the dishes, got Freddy dressed, took Freddy to Story Hour and then played outside before he went to work. I was able to do my prenatal exercises, fold the laundry, study scriptures and meditate. He is so wonderful. No one can ever truly understand how selfless and loving he is. Freddy, Henrik and I are so lucky to have him.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 15

2011-11-15T13:57:00.002-05:00

15 November 2011, I am thankful for the work my husband has, even if it isn't ideal. I am thankful for the health my family has been blessed with. I am thankful for a warm home to live in, cars that get us where we need to go and food to feed my family. I am so grateful for this comfortable life that I have.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 14

2011-11-14T17:05:00.002-05:00

Oh goodness gracious! Today, 14 November 2011, I am so very grateful for my relationship with Heavenly Father. I am equally grateful for the loving sacrifice that Christ so willingly made so that this relationship is possible and can continue to grow forever.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 13

2011-11-13T14:40:00.002-05:00

What? It's 13 November 2011 already? Is it really possible to be surprised by this when I've been counting down the days of the month? I guess so...

I know I've already been grateful for this before but today I'm feeling even more grateful for my little Freddy boy. I love him so much. I will always be grateful for him in a very special way because he is the one who made me a mother for the very first time. He is the one who taught me how to be a mother. He is the one that teaches me everyday how to be a better mother and reminds me of my divine purpose in this life. He keeps me on the straight and narrow. As I concentrate on making sure he will always hold tight to the iron rod, I realize that he is the reason that I am holding on tighter than ever. He is such a special little boy and when I see him I remember that he is a partner with Christ in saving me and bringing me home to my Heavenly Father.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 12

2011-11-12T14:49:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's already 12 November 2011!!! Today I am grateful for women. I am grateful for the women who are so good, for the women who inspire me and are the reason for this blog.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 11

2011-11-11T12:53:00.002-05:00

On 11 November 2011, Veterans Day, I am very grateful for all those who have and continue to protect the freedom of this country. I am grateful for their families and all the sacrifices they make. I am grateful for have been born in this country that has offered me so many opportunities and even more I'm grateful to raise my children here.

I am also very grateful for the one on one play time I had with Freddy this morning. Who knew bouncing on the birthing ball could be that hilarious. I'm grateful that he tells me everything that goes through his little mind. I'm grateful for how interesting, intelligent and just plain wonderful he is.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 10

2011-11-10T20:42:00.002-05:00

I am so grateful today, 10 November 2011, for a God of miracles. I am grateful for a God that is the same yesterday, today and forever. I am grateful for a spiritual Father who is also the almighty creator and ruler of the universe. I am grateful for the knowledge that the almighty ruler of the universe loves me very much, and that he is not only aware of me but that He is highly interested in my life and invested in my success and happiness.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 9

2011-11-09T11:57:00.000-05:00

Today on 9 November, 2011 I am grateful for the peace the spirit brings.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 8

2011-11-08T15:04:00.002-05:00

I am so grateful for my little Freddy boy on this blustery 8 November, 2011. He just gets to be more and more fun every single day. I love our conversations and the games that we play. I love his ability to concentrate and focus on one thing. I love that he loves to learn and feels so proud when he figures things out on his own. I am so grateful for this little boy who has changed me more than anyone and motivates me to continue to change more than anyone could.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 7

2011-11-07T10:31:00.002-05:00

On this 7th day of November, 2011, I am very grateful for the scriptures. My study of them has changed my life so many times. I will never forget tracting with my trainer in the cold of an ending Nebraskan winter and she said to someone on the street that we pray to Heavenly Father to ask Him questions and that He gives His answers through the scriptures. It is so true. I have never learned more from my Father in Heaven than when I have combine specific prayer with sincere scripture study followed by serious meditation. I bear my testimony on this morning to anyone who reads this, that we can know the truth of ALL things by the power of the Holy Ghost (see Mor. 10:3-5 for details).

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 6

2011-11-06T14:37:00.002-05:00

This very chilly 6 November 2011, I am so very grateful for church. All 3 hours of it.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 5

2011-11-05T11:43:00.002-04:00

On this snowy 5 November 2011 I am so grateful my husband has the morning off. I got to go to choir practice this morning and now I get to go run errands with ALL my boys.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 4

2011-11-04T16:44:00.002-04:00

On this remarkably warm 4 November 2011, I am so grateful for the knowledge that everything is in the Lords control and that He loves me very much. I am grateful for friends who remind me of this fact and also remind me that even though the Lord is in total control that He has given me so much that I can control in my life. This knowledge brings so much peace and comfort.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 3

2011-11-03T11:46:00.002-04:00

As I lay here in my bed, still snuggled up, eating cereal at 9:47 am on this 3 November 2011, I am very grateful for my sweet, loving and very supportive husband and the prayers of all of our family and friends. I am also grateful for ultrasounds.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 2

2011-11-02T13:57:00.002-04:00

On this chilly and sunny 2 November 2011, I am grateful to have moved into a ward with so many nice families that all have little kids for Freddy to play with and that all live close. We had so much fun at our first little play group today, bouncing around at the Kangaroo Zoo.

24 Days of Gratitude: Day 1

2011-11-01T21:28:00.002-04:00

On this, 1 November 2011, I am grateful that Freddy is finally comfortable pooping, that he tells me when he needs to poop and that he poops in the potty on a daily basis. I cannot express the joy and relief this has brought into my life.

Reverence

2011-10-23T22:24:00.002-04:00

We had a great talk in sacrament today about reverence. The speaker went beyond discussing the importance of just being reverent at church. She expounded on the principle of reverence and the importance to show reverence for the spiritual side of this life on an everyday basis.

After reflecting on this topic throughout the day my understanding of this principle has been expanded. I've been reminded of the blessings I have received since I started practicing meditation and realized that taking the time to meditate is a way of being reverent. It is inviting the Lord into your day and giving Him your full attention. It is showing reverence and gratitude for His love and the instruction that He freely offers give if we just open ourselves up to it.

These are just some of the basic thoughts that are flowing through my mind this sabbath day. Reverence. Think about it.

Moving on

2011-09-28T23:20:00.003-04:00

I feel the need to post something else on here. The previous post is a little....angry. A lot angry.

But I'm not so angry anymore.

Right now I'm feeling:

Completely confident in my amazingly talented and spiritually directed husband.
Peace about the upcoming homebirth of Henrik.
In LOVE (like totally and completely) with my 2 1/2 year old who came to me tonight after sitting on the porch in the dark with his dad and brought me a star he had reached up and grabbed out of the nights sky.
Comfortable in our new ward and excited about our new apartment.
Excited for general conference.
Good about something I did last night, that I didn't really want to do, but knew was right and therefore did hoping that it would help to change my prideful heart....and it did.

Other than that I am completely exhausted. Two day and two nights of very little sleep....but I'll probably still read Harry Potter for a while longer anyway.

Dear Emily Kight

2011-09-24T07:33:00.004-04:00

You stabbed my husband in the back. Totally betrayed him.

All because of pride and greed.

Don't worry I am not threatened by you and neither is my husband. Right now I am just mad at you.

I am mad at you for betraying the man that has only ever offered you opportunities, help and support. I am mad at you for disrespecting the most honorable and pure-hearted man I know.

I just hope you remember that "what goes around, comes around". Everything you are hoping to accomplish by your disgraceful actions you will lose. You just hurt yourself more than anyone and I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you are infected with so much pride but those who seek to puff themselves up will always be brought LOW. I feel sorry for you but mostly, I am just mad at you.

You could have gone far with him as an alliance and now you will always be recommended by him only as a backstabbing, untrustworthy, unprofessional, conceited little girl who does not work well with others.

We don't need you. We don't need you or luck which is the only thing that will help you become successful. With the kind of karma you are creating for yourself the chances of you receiving any help from the universe is unlikely.

So good luck...

Sincerely,

Wife of an honorable man

p.s. you should be grateful that I have this blog as an outlet or else you might have gotten beat up by a pregnant stay-at-home mom.

torn

2011-09-18T23:15:00.003-04:00

i feel torn.

i've been working at something for years and years. something very difficult for me. it's been really hard but i feel like i've kept trying and praying and pressing forward.

part of the reason it has been so hard is because there has been almost no sign that any of the effort i have put into this quest has made any difference at all. as hard as i've tried it doesn't appear that anyone involved has acknowledged (or maybe accepted is a better word) my attempts to make changes.

i go through phases where i feel hopeless. i feel like no matter what i do or how much i change it won't make any difference. just when i'm ready to throw in the towel and say "ok - that's it. i'm done trying", i tell myself i can't give up. the end goal is too important. and it is.

but.

how long do i allow myself to be in a situation that pains me so much? how long do i subject myself to the hurt? is it ever ok to just....take a break. it's not like i would ever go back to my old ways. i never hope to see that "amy" ever again, i'm so ashamed of who i have been and i have worked so hard to be a better person, i don't want to lose what i have achieved.

i'm torn because, would i be giving up if i did separate myself from this situation for a while? would i be the person i want to be if i did that? or is it ok to have moments of weakness where i just focus on getting myself through a hard time without the negativity that i have been dealing with for years?

it's just a really hard thing. i don't want to give up, but i don't know how much more i can take of this (without formal counseling and medication). i wish there was a way for me to just not care but it's just not that easy and actually considering the situation i don't think that would be very healthy either.

so i'm torn.

and i'm sad.

i wish i knew a better way to accomplish what it is i've been trying to achieve for so long. i wish i had a promise that it would happen someday, maybe that would make it easier to keep pressing on time and time and time again.

i just wish i knew the answers - but i have none. i'm just going on what i think i should do....and now i don't even know what that is....

yep. torn.

Family Home Evening

2011-09-12T19:43:00.003-04:00

It's one of those things that is a simple task we have been asked to do.

It's not always easy. Sometimes it's HARD. But if we will do it, BIG BLESSINGS will rain down on us and most especially our little ones.

Family Home Evening tonight is a simple one. Inspired by the talk by President Eyring, "Opportunities To Do Good".

We'll sing Freddy's favorite song, I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus. We'll talk about how Jesus served others because He loves everyone. Then we'll list ways we can serve those around us, just like Jesus did.

Then we'll color, probably this page because I'm having trouble finding anything better online:

While kids are coloring Burgess and I will talk about said talk and the goals we have set to be a more "doing good" kind of family.

Then of course after we ooh and aah over colored pages we will of course suck down some ice cream.

I am a witness

2011-09-02T23:08:00.002-04:00

I am a witness of a living God. I am a witness that He loves His children and that He hears and answers their prayers. I am a witness that Jesus Christ is the reason for every blessing I have ever received.

I am so overwhelmed with amazement and gratitude right now. I just can't believe how we have been blessed. For almost 3 years I have prayed every day for Heavenly Father to prepare work for Burgess that would allow him to provide for the needs of our family (including health insurance). I prayed that this job (or jobs) would provide him opportunities to work in his field of film making, that he would make the necessary contacts he would need for the future and gain experiences that would prepare him for a lifetime of work in this field that makes him so happy.

When we received the revelation to go to Utah we had no idea how it would work or why we were suppose to go there but we knew that is where we were suppose to go. So we left the job, the health insurance and all the film contacts we had made and took a HUGE and very expensive leap of faith.

Burgess was able to secure an interview the day after arriving in Utah and another the day after that. He got the first job right off the bat and luckily enough it was the last day to enroll for health insurance. The guy that hired him pulled some strings and we were able to enroll. I'm pretty sure it couldn't have worked out more perfectly. I know heavenly Father prepared that job for us.

The next day Burgess was able to interview for another part time position as a camera operator. He was able to go back the next day after sending in some work from his editing portfolio and they not only offered him the camera operator job but an editing position as well. When he came home today to tell me about the two new jobs I was stunned. I have been walking around in shock since we landed the job with health insurance - I just didn't think things could get any better, but they did.

I have no doubts that Heavenly Father heard my prayers all of these years and that He has been preparing a path for us all along. I feel so comforted about our future. As unsure as a future in the film industry is, I am sure that the Lord will take care of our family. I know He will.

I am a witness that He has and He always will as long as I keep trying to live the way He has asked me to.

Life Saver

2011-08-27T11:19:00.005-04:00

last night was pretty miserable as far as sleeping was concerned.

or was it?

Since there was no possible way I was going to be able to sleep with the heartburn, the kicking, the bad dream lingering on my mind and the humid heat of my apartment I spent the whole night on a blog. A life saving, life changing, life inspiring - blog.

Here's the story:

My very first semester at BYU-Idaho I had, I think, 6 or 7 roommates. Yes. That is a lot of roommates to have at any time but I think especially it's a lot of roommates to have when you've never had a roommate (other than a big sister) before.

One of my roommates was this girl. Stephanie.

Her hair was much longer then. I remember that she was very nice. She was silly. Quirky. She was from Oregon and she had a strong testimony. Unfortunately I was trapped in a world of stress, of pain, of extreme emotion and turmoil. I didn't really try to get to know any of my roommates, I was just trying to survive each day. Too bad. I should have gotten to know Stephanie. I think we could have been great friends. She's cool.

I think we were only roommates for a semester...maybe another short summer term after that. It wasn't too much longer that I left school permanently to prepare financially to serve a mission.

That was 5 or 6 years ago.

I can't remember when it was, maybe a year or two ago, I was in the Temple and heard someone softly call my name. I turned around and guess who was working in the Washington DC temple? Stephanie. We embraced quickly and chatted for just a quick minute since I had to get back to Freddy and that was it. She looked exactly the same. Hadn't aged a bit. A short time later I found her on facebook with the intention of trying to get together with her during another temple trip but it never happened.

I did happen to find her blog though. Thank goodness for that. What a life saver.

Last night while trying to take my mind off of everything {bad dream, heartburn, moving to Utah, money, no insurance, hurricane Irene...etc} so I could sleep I went to her blog and started reading from the beginning. It was very entertaining. Comforting. Inspiring. Revitalizing. Provoking {in a good way}. Rejuvenating. Simplifying. It was just plain wonderful. It got me excited about life again. The little things and the big things. Mostly, I've just been really worried about life...not excited about it. But the way Stephanie captures the beauty in every single day inspired me and I felt like I wanted to LIVE again.

Reading her blog made me want to pick up a good book again,
go for a long walk,
bake a scone,
discover an adventure right outside my front door,
collect colored leaves,
take more pictures of myself and my love,
plan a secret date for my man,
eat more cupcakes and vegetables,
do my hair,
throw a party,
write a poem,
paint a picture,
sing a song,
snuggle,
buy a hat,
clean my house,
sew,
do more yoga,
hem my curtains,
saute something,
eat tofu again,
kiss,
hug,
and read my scriptures more.

Life saver? Yes. Thank you Stephanie.

Things I love about her blog (and I think you will love too):
She posts lots of pictures of FOOD, but mostly....cupcakes.
Love letters to her baby and to her man.
She has bad days.
Her photography.
She's all about changing too!

There is much much more to love and discover for yourself in her blog. Check it out if you need a pick me up. If you're feeling down, just go spend some time with Steph. You'll feel better. Promise.

heartburn

2011-08-27T02:58:00.006-04:00

I've gotten just a few hours of sleep but the heartburn is so bad that sleep will remain for now just a desire of my heart.

Baby is awake which makes sleeping difficult too.

In the few hours I spent sleeping I had a dream some crazy person kidnapped my boy. My worst nightmare. I didn't rest well.

Also. This apartment is so HOT! Why is the air not turned on?

It's 3:01...Henrik is rolling around and kicking his legs and I just love to feel him moving inside of me. Even though this heartburn BURNS and my dreams during pregnancy are like total torture AND this baby seems to want to be asleep all day and awake all night....etc.

I sit here, propped up with 5 pillows and a body sized boppy, totally in love with the babe growing inside of me, hoping that this pregnancy takes it's time. I still hope that I will get to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy until it's over. I know our life is totally crazy right now and crazy often = time flying....but I hope it doesn't.

I love being pregnant. I'm so sorry I didn't enjoy Freddy's pregnancy more. I'm so sorry I was so grouchy (OVER NOTHING). I'm so sorry I didn't appreciate more, the miracle taking place right there inside my tabernacle. I can't change the past but isn't it wonderful that I CAN CHANGE?

I can change because of Christ. Plain and simple. Faith in Christ changes people and change is so good. Change gives me hope for myself and hope strengthens me. My heart burns with a testimony of Christ and His all encompassing atonement and a love for Him and my Father, my creator. My heart burns with gratitude and joy for the man sleeping soundly next to me, for the boy sleeping wildly next to him and for the other boy rolling around inside me.

isn't the tree in the background so cool. My sister spotted it and snapped this picture of me while I was waiting for my family to join me for our annual pictures the other day.
I love the exposed roots...and that growing belly :)

Our Best Baby Boy

2011-08-19T13:16:00.002-04:00

Henrik Joseph Coffield

Our best big boy is now going to be the big brother to our best baby boy!

We couldn't be happier or more excited!

p.s. never trying to guess the sex of one of my children ever again.
Sorry Henrik, I completely thought you were a girl for the past 5 months....forgive me? Love you, Mama

Excerpts From a Love Letter cont.

2011-07-30T09:13:00.008-04:00

Our anniversary started out sweet and romantic just like you saw yesterday. Then it quickly turned into a stink-pot. Lots of tears, lots of emotion (not the good kind), lots and lots of stress and it seemed as if the day would never end.

But it did end. It ended early....I'm used to Burgess getting home between 8:30 and 9 every night. Yesterday he got home about 7! It was awesome. We had thought about going out to dinner at one of our fav Indian restaurants (since we'll be leaving all this glorious Indian food and culture behind when we move to Utah) but by that time I was still in my PJ's, I still felt dried tears on my face and I didn't get to eat my lunch until just a couple hours earlier so I wasn't exactly going to be able to savor my Lamb Tikka Masala the way I wanted to for the last time. Burgess said it would be fine to just eat left overs (cause yeah...I wasn't doing any cooking today either...except for that last batch of cookie dough I baked during nap time.....and ate during nap time....).

Just as soon as he was diving into a bowl of delicious tofu and vegetable stir fry it started POURING the rain....the thunder started to rumble as the dark cloud boiled above and flashes of lightening filled our living room. I took Freddy and Burgess took his tofu and we all went downstairs and sat in the doorway of our building. We embraced the 90° thick air that surrounded us as we watched the storm. We happily got our feet all soakin wet from the wildly falling globs of rain. We listened for the thunder and Freddy would say, "Hear that THUNDER! Not airplane!" We enjoyed the surprise of every flash of lightening and watched as a river of water rushed down our street. I thought of how enlivening it would be to float away on that little river with my face turned up, eyes closed, and smiling. I decided I wouldn't care where I ended up just as long as I had my man and my boy there with me.

Beautiful Winter Quarters

We watched natures show until the very last drop of rain had fallen and I thought about my mission. Nebraska has the best storms. Warm summer night storms. I love Nebraska and all the people who are there. I miss Nebraska and the smell of dirt roads mixed with sweet corn. I miss sitting in the light of the Temple at the Winter Quarters Cemetery and watching as the fire flies start shining their lights just as the sun is making its way down. I loved to sit and watch the fire flies dance in that very sacred place and think about the pioneers. I wanted to imagine them in the places I walked every day. They couldn't catch a break. Life was hard. Too hard and yet they were happy. As much as they lost, including their own flesh and blood, they were still happy. They were filled with the fire of the restore gospel of Jesus Christ. They had their sights on a promised land and the rich blessings of the temple. They didn't know how they would make it the rest of the way with the little bit they had...many with just a handcart....but they went. They knew the Lord would see them through and He did. He either brought them right into His glory or into the Salt Lake Valley.

The warm breeze, the cool wet rain and my reminiscing mind comforted me. I'm so sad to leave Pennsylvania behind. It's terrible to separate my sister and my son...they are so close. I will miss the beautiful trees that turn this place into an amazing work of art in the fall. I will miss Amish country and Temple trips. I will miss our ward and my friends. I will miss story hour and play group and gymboree. I will miss the people (and the food) of so many different cultures. I will miss the Philly accent, being so close to Pittsburgh and all of our family here in the East. As each day comes to an end and our exodus draws nearer I can think of less and less that I will NOT miss. I love it here and I don't want to leave.

But I am channeling my inner pioneer. I know that the Lord has called us to Utah, the land that my beloved pioneers sacrificed everything to build into a safe haven for all those seeking peace and freedom. Just like the pioneers we will have to sell/leave most everything behind. We don't have enough to make the move, we have no job or home waiting for us but we trust the Lord will provide for us along the way as we just continue moving forward with faith. If the Lord wants me in Utah then I will go and I will do everything I can to preserve what the pioneers left there. If it is the Lords will, I will raise my children on that sacred ground and teach them the fullness of the gospel and help them fulfill their responsibilities to the Lord. I know the Lord has a work for me to do. He has a plan for our family. I pray every day, as I did when I was a missionary, that I will "remember my purpose" in everything I do and never forget what I am on this earth to do.

Thank goodness for thunder storms...

A scene from my Nebraskan adventure

Excerpts From a Love Letter

2011-07-29T07:46:00.003-04:00

"Some day when we are old and I will be completely bald with a grey eyebrow, and you will look more beautiful than ever, the only thing we will do is be with each other."

"You are the greatest blessing in my life. I do not deserve you but I will hold on to you as long the Lord let me."

"I Love You my love, my lovely, my sweet."

I woke up to a love letter and two bouquets of flowers not to mention a really handsome man.

8 years ago today Burgess and I took the plunge. We were best friends who held hands for the first time...and then kissed. There wasn't a moment from that day on that we didn't know we would be together forever.

One of my favs.

2011-07-20T08:30:00.002-04:00

We had about 4 police officers and a couple detectives here last night as well as someone from the fire department. They were here first and dug a 9mm bullet out of Freddy's wall. Yes. We found two bullet holes in Freddy's room. We found a another hole in the hallway we share with our neighbor as if the bullet came from that apartment into ours. The neighbor had patched up the hole in the hallway from their apartment and the hole leading into our apartment.

Then they had to break into the apartment next door because no one answered. They needed to make sure there wasn't a dead body in there. Thank goodness they didn't find anyone just a bullet hole.

I'm sorry but that bullet was WAY TO CLOSE TO MY BABY! We are moving from here...ASAP.

My Turn Now...

2011-07-11T21:38:00.005-04:00

We were getting ready for bed after Family Home Evening and as I started to help Freddy to say his prayers he told me, "No mama, my turn now."

This is his very first {all by himself} prayer:

"Heavenly Father.....
Thank thee...day
Thank thee, Auntie Kerstin
Thank thee, missionaries
Thank thee, Auntie Kerstin
Thank thee, missionaries
Thank thee, Uncle Taylor
Thank thee, Uncle Taylor
Thank thee, Mama
Thank thee, Daddy

Please bless Mama
Please bless Auntie Kerstin
Please bless missionaries
Please bless bed
Please bless leaf
Please bless bug
Please bless blankie
Please bless Mama...Amy

In the name of Jesus Christ AMEN"

I was crying through this whole entire prayer.

When he was finished I pulled him close to me and told him how proud I was of him, then I looked at him right in the eyes and asked him, "Freddy...do you think Heavenly Father heard you?" He looked back at me with confidence and said, "Yes! Heavenly Father heard us! And Heavenly Father love you!" Then he said, "I see Him..Heavenly Father and I heard Him!"

I guess he was right. It is his turn now. He doesn't need my help to pray, he has his own prayers in his heart and he can commune with Heavenly Father all on his own. When he was bearing his testimony (that is how it felt to me) about how Heavenly Father heard him and he hears Heavenly Father I felt overwhelmingly that this child is much more in touch with the Lord and Father than I am and that there is so much I can learn from him. How grateful I am right now to be this boys mother.

I have never been more proud of my son. I am also so grateful for living prophets who show us how to teach our children to exercise their precious, pure and powerful faith. Their faith is so amazing and I am seeing now just why it is so important as parents to make sure it isn't wasted.

Happiness

2011-07-11T13:54:00.002-04:00

Yesterday while driving (for 6 hours) my husband and I had the opportunity to talk about some things that are important to our family right now. It was a very positive and constructive conversation and it felt great to share with him in detail the things that have been on my mind and heart lately.

He asked me a little more about meditation, how to do it...etc. I gave him a little information (meditation is a tricky thing to teach...because there is no wrong way to do it therefore if you get too detailed people will feel like they are not doing it right because they will have expectations, get frustrated and quit) but just encouraged him that it is different for every person and he should let the spirit be his guide.

I didn't push the topic. I haven't wanted to FORCE him into meditation. It has completely changed my life and I know it would change the world if everyone would do it but it's something people have to find on their own. A while later he told me that he wanted to start meditating as a part of his morning routine. I was SO happy but tried to be calm and just supportive of him.

He woke up this morning early before Freddy was up and went into the quiet of the living room. He prayed and read scriptures (as I had prompted him to do) and then sat, breathed deeply and listened. He said if he felt his mind start to wonder he would do what I do a lot of times and repeat things to himself like, "I have charity, I have faith in Christ, I am humble...." He said he actually had a really amazing experience with it and hopes to be able to master it some day. He gave me details that I will not share on the blog I am so proud of him for putting his faith into action and then seeing such an amazing result from it.

His faith was strengthened, his testimony grew, he received revelation...I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to see someone I love so much take advantage of such a wonderful thing that has blessed my life so much. It is just like sharing the gospel with him all over again! It makes me so happy I really feel like I could burst. I wish all people would take the time to regularly meditate...

and read the Book of Mormon. The end.

Operation "Turn off T.V. - Turn on Hymns"

2011-07-05T09:51:00.003-04:00

Operation "Turn off T.V. - Turn on Hymns" has been in effect for a full week now. So far the results have been drastic.

Since Freddy was pretty much 1 year old I would turn on pbs or qubo for him once maybe twice a day for a little while so that I could get this or that done. Maybe I needed to concentrate on a menu or grocery list, take a quick shower, make the dinner, or finish up a project. I began to rely on that 1/2 hour of Dinosaur Train, Sid the Science Kid or the Your Baby Can Read dvds (which actually btw). I will also confess that for 2 years my husband was gone from usually around 7 am to between 9-10 pm pretty much every single day. By the time 6-7 pm rolled around, most nights I was at the end of my entertaining rope and would succumb to the regular and wholesome broadcasts of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune - which of course turned into Dancing with the Stars...which became Freddy's favorite show.

Even though throughout the day it didn't feel like he was watching too much T.V., I didn't like that I relied on it so much. When I got sick with the pregnancy it got much worse. We moved on from 1/2 hour broadcasts to full length movies. Beauty and the Beast being the favorite around this house. I kept telling myself, "It's just for a few weeks...once I'm feeling better we'll get back to normal..." But in my heart I didn't want to get back to normal either. That is what led to Operation "Turn off T.V. - Turn on Hymns".

We haven't had the T.V. on much at all for a week now and it's been wonderful for everyone. The other evening I wasn't feeling well so I did turn on something for us to watch and after a few minutes Freddy said, "Mama, turn off." He went in his room and I expected him to come right back out with something to show me or something because he seemed so determined when he walked in there. It was quiet in there for about 5 minutes so I decided I better go see what he is up to. When I went in there, he was sitting on his bed reading himself a favorite book. At that point I thought, "I need to give my son more credit. Here I have thought for all this time that he would be miserable and bored while I worked if there wasn't something to distract him...but turns out I can lay on the couch and get the rest I need or make dinner or do whatever and he's OK."

The mood around the house has been wonderful. Such a noticeable difference. The spirit has been much more comfortable. It's not that we were watching bad things it just that we weren't INVITING Him by having the T.V. on so much either. Repenting is all about pulling the weeds in your life and then planting beautiful plants to replace them...that is why we didn't just turn off the T.V. we turned on the hymns. Freddy has loved listening to the hymns and children's hymns and sometimes when we are just hanging out he'll start repeating some of the words. I love what he is learning. The other day we were walking home from the park and he looked up at his dad and said, "Heavenly Father love you." I love that those are the things floating around his little head now.

I can see that Freddy has been blessed but I can also feel a difference in my own heart. It was like I was trying to turn on the faucet to receive revelation but it was clogged. Then we turned off the T.V. and turned on the hymns and then all of the sudden the faucet has been on full blast almost constantly. I have learned so much in just a weeks time. I am so grateful.

2011-07-01T14:17:00.003-04:00

I got out of bed before I wanted to this morning....

I walked to the park with my sweetheart and our son in the most Oregon-summer-like weather there has ever been.

When we got there I sat down on a bench, listened to my boys run and play and laugh while I read THIS beautiful talk by this handsome man. Doesn't he have the most loving eyes? He also has the kindest voice. I just love listening to him speak.

I was so incredibly inspired by this talk. I was taken away by the spirit and instructed very specifically on things that I should do as a wife and a mother to fulfill my purpose here on earth, which is to build up the kingdom of my Father. The things I learned are a little too private for the blog (I know what you are thinking? "Amy actually thinks that some things are too personal to share?" I know...I am a sharer...but I don't always share everything...). So I will go write them in my journal now...but I wanted to post about this experience on here because I know that if I will take this opportunity and ACT on what I have just learn it will be the beginning of many changes for me and my family.

8 Years Ago Today

2011-06-29T12:57:00.004-04:00

Burgess and I at the Temple together for the first time. This was just a few days after I came home from my mission.

Eight years ago today I had my first taste of celestial joy. The kind of joy that can only be experienced when a miracle occurs. The kind of joy that is felt when you were an instrument in the hands of the Lord, when you worked side by side the Savior, our Father and the Holy Ghost to bring someone into the fold. It is different from the kind of joy you feel when you make covenants yourself. If is different from the kind of joy you feel when you bring a child into the world. It's not better or worse it's just different. It's wonderful. It's delicious and addicting. It's pure and clean. It's so rewarding.

It's the joy described by every single missionary in the Book of Mormon and other scriptures. When I think of the joy I felt that day I always think of Ammon who said his heart was "brim with joy" and that he would rejoice in his God. That is exactly how I felt. I felt so happy...so full of joy I almost didn't think I could bear it and all I wanted to do was pray and thank my Father for letting me be a small part of the miracle that had taken place. I was in awe of Him and His love, His power and His abilities. I felt so close to Him that day...I never wanted it to end.

The day that Burgess was baptized was arguably the most wonderful day of my whole entire life. It was that day that I tasted celestial success for the very first time and my life was never again to be the same. It changed the shape of my forever.

I can't believe all that Burgess has accomplished since that day. He is a living, breathing modern day miracle every single day. He is a testament to the power of Christ and the love of our Father. I'm so lucky to have been there every step of the way...and I'm even more blessed for him to have chosen me to stay by his side for the rest of his journey. I'm honored to be going through this mortal experience with him. He is by far the greatest blessing of my life.

Happy 8 years a covenant member of the church of Christ my love. Thank you for being true to your covenants and priesthood every single day and putting the Lord above everything. I know my eternity is safe with you. I love you more than anything.

3:30

2011-06-25T04:29:00.004-04:00

Well it turns out I have the "pregnancy insomnia". Every night I wake up - wide awake at 3:30. With out fail. Even if I somehow kept myself from taking a nap in the afternoon....even if I meditated before I fell asleep....even if I am completely comfortable....yep, 3:30 rolls around and AWAKE I am.

If I could choose my pregnancy symptoms this is most likely the last one I'd choose - I really don't function very "nicely" on little sleep....but I guess I'll have to learn.

This morning 3:30 greeted me with a little treat though...

Smiling was not really my grandpas style in photographs but I couldn't resist posting this one because HELLO - he is so handsome!

This morning I woke up to an email from my grandpa. My grandpa is one of the most amazing men I have ever known. I think maybe all girls think their grandpas are the best ever but mine REALLY is. I never lived really close to my grandpa but I grew up on his stories and when I was in high school I stumbled upon his old mission journal. What a treasure. I began reading and couldn't stop. I don't think I have ever read any book so fast. Reading that journal was like sitting down and having a conversation with my grandpa almost as peers. I have so much love and admiration for the man. One day I hope to (with the help of my genius filmmaker husband) make a movie of his life. It really is incredible and his missionary spirit is so powerful that I want the whole world to have the chance to see his testimony of Christ.

This is the email he sent (I left his farm boy grammar alone because I love it):

I was working on mom's journal again today and found this letter she had put in there. I wondered why she had it there because it is written by me. But I can't ask her so I guess I will just leave it. I thought some of you might want to read it in as much as it is addressed to you.

Täby Sweden February 15,1992

A letter to my grandchildren

It started to snow here last night just before my trip to the post office to end my weeks work and it snowed quite a bit during the evening. It was still snowing this morning when I awoke and we have about 4 inches on the ground now. All the bushes are white and beautiful. This is really the first time we have had any winter weather here this winter so I sat at the breakfast table and watched the snow fall and the men who clean the streets come with their scraper to clean the streets. Grandma came in and looked at the scene and said to me how beautiful it is. Then grandma said we are also in the winter of our lives and soon the spring will come. I sat and watched and tried to hold back the tears as I thought of the memories I have of life before the winter came. I am not sad because it is winter for us but I thought oh how fast the seasons have come and gone as I thought of our own children born to us as we started the summer time in our lives and wished that it could have lasted just a little longer. The memories of each one as babies and as little children are wonderful but I would have liked to be a better Dad and do more things with them.

When I could talk again I said to grandma it seems such a short time ago that I was a little child and was home with my mom and dad who have now gone home to our Father in Heaven having pased through the winter of their life and now they are where it is always spring time and beautiful. Grandma said oh does that seem short to you? It seems so long ago to me that it seems like a whole different life to me. Then I started to tell grandma some of the things that I remember from the time I was a child at home and she said you need to tell that to your grandchildren they would enjoy hearing that.

I remember as a little boy how I loved to go with my dad when he took a team of horses and the buggy to town or some other place. My mother used to take me along on her visiting teaching route in the buggy and she had twenty five homes to go to every month. I was always a little bored with all the talking but loved to go with the horses.

I remember I loved to listen to stories told when my dad and Hi McKay would get together or someone else happened by it seemed their stories were more exciting than what mom and the sisters talked about when I was with her. I got to stay up as long as I wanted to at night when someone would come by after chores and visit. I would lay on the floor and listen as Dad and whoever was there would swap stories one after another and I would always fall asleep before they ended and mom would come and pick me up and carry me off to bed.

I remember when dad bought a model T Ford. I don't know if it was his first car, are not but it was the first one I remember. It had only two seats and they were small, no gear shift but it had three pedals on the floor. One was the clutch, one the brake, and the other, the middle one was the shift. One gear ahead and one back. When we got up to full speed it would put-put along at about 20 miles an hour. That may seem mighty slow to you but when you remember with a team and buggy it took all day to go that same distance that first car Henry Ford made and sold for less than 500 dollars was really something.

The seats were so small that when mom and dad got in there was room only for one child on moms lap and one small one could sit up in the back of the seat by the window on a little ledge but you could never straighten out your neck and I just hated to sit there, but being the youngest I was often stuck up there until I got too smart for my breeches. When we would get ready to go on one of those long excursions over to Preston, about 10 miles away. When the folks would go out of the house to get into the model T I would say to my sister MerLyn " I speak for the window seat" then I would act like I was racing for all I was worth to beat her to the car and would always let her out-run me. She would say ha ha I win and I would act like I was mad but inside I was laughing and saying to my-self I did it again I really coned her.

I remember when we would go to Weston to do something in that old car Dad would give it all the gas he could to go past the train station and start up that little hill into town but try as he might that little engine just didn't have the ump to do it. It would start at the bottom and go put put put put put put put put put put put and just about to the top it would run out of steam and there was no way to start again because there WAS ONLY ONE GEAR AND NO POWER TO START EXCEPT ON LEVEL GROUND: SO Dad would back down the hill until we got to a place where Oscar Campbell went into his pasture and there Dad would back in and pull out going down the hill and then stop put it in reverse and up the hill we would go much slower but reverse had enough power to get us to the top. Then he would turn it around and we could go straight again until we came to the next hill. Dad must have not been to thrilled with that car because I remember in 1936 He bought a brand new Chevrolet four door with seats front and back and would go like the wind. I remember the sales man really had to talk to sell Dad a radio for that car. Dad said he didn't want that new fangled thing in his car because if you were listening to that you would go to sleep and kill yourself. The salesman must have won though because it had one of those fancy things in it. I was only 6 years old in 1936 but remember so many details, I remember that the man had a dark maroon colored car there to show us at the farm and when the deal was almost made the man asked what color dad wanted and he said I'll take that one I have always liked black! All of Henry's cars were black, but the sales man made the mistake of saying that isn't black its maroon. My dad was color blind and couldn't tell any colors except dark and light. Any way I remember he wouldn't take that car then and we ended up with a tan one. I think Dad thought if black is the same as maroon I'11 take a light colored one. I remember all the other cars Dad had after that too the Grampage Cavelier, the 36 Ford with no brakes at all, and the 40 Dodge, and finally the 51 Mercury. But none was as much fun as the old T Ford. I guess after that old T Ford I was more interested in horses than cars until I was 14 and could have a driver’s license my-self.

Keith Morgan 1952
This was him on a horse he was hired to "break", he got paid $1 a day for this service.

I remember the first horse to ride was called Nance but she was always hogged up by my brothers, so I didn't get to do much with her. Then one Christmas dad bought a little mustang from the Indians up in Blackfoot. They had used her to buck in the rodeo and she didn't care to be "rode by big boys but loved little kids. After she pitched my brother Burns off on his head they let me and dad use her and they rode Nance. I rode that little mare a million miles I guess, and then I can't remember if Nance died or was sold, but I don't remember her being there anymore, and I talked Dad into letting me get her bred to a golden palomino called Golden Tex. He was so beautiful he shined in the sun light just like gold and I dreamed of having a horse just like him. The little Indian pony was called Bird by the Indians but we changed her name to floss, and she didn't seem to mind.

Those eleven months was the longest wait I think I ever had waiting for my golden pony. I remember a friend of mine had bred to the same stallion and his colt came before mine and it was gold in color and boy, I just knew my dreams were about to come true. I watched every day and every night before I went to bed and finally the day came when I looked at the teats of my mare; there had formed wax on the end, and I knew the time had arrived. I was up early the next morning and headed for the pasture to see. I could see that there was a colt long before I got there to, but not what it was so I ran to get there. I was so disappointed I could have sat down to cry. Not only was that colt not gold, but looked just like it's mother bay with black Maine and tail and I wanted gold with white Maine and tail, but when it stood up when I came close to look at it I saw that it had a crooked front leg. I couldn't hold back my disappointment and told my Dad 1 wanted to breed her again. Dad said no we just didn't have room on our small farm for more animals and he said that leg will straighten out, it is just that it was laying wrong in the mother. I watched that leg for a whole year and then to save on hay I put the mare out on the range up in the canyon west of Weston. I used to go up there to try to see what that leg was doing, but the mare was so happy to be running wild again like she did before the Indians got to her she wouldn't let me get close enough to really get a good look.

By fall my friend Theo was already training his colt and sometimes when we would drive by their place and I'd see him out in the yard with colt under halter I was so jealous I didn't know what to do. In the fall it was time to bring the mare and her colt home before winter set in, because there wasn't much to eat on those old dry hills in the winter. I still had a colt with a crooked leg, it didn't seem to bother him just me. But he was between one and two years old when I sold him and got back my breeding bill but that was all. The food he had eaten I was stuck for. Then I started my campaign to talk dad into another try. He finally consented so in the spring I got Golden Tex back and we tried again. It was just as long a wait for me this time and when the day arrived the next spring I was again disappointed. This time I got neither a golden colt nor a red one but a colt that was as black as any Negro I had ever seen. I thought it wouldn't have been so bad if it would have had four stocking legs and a white Maine and tail. Dad had said this was the last one, because we just couldn't feed any more so I looked her over pretty carefully and found she was sound in every other way just the color wrong.

I got a little halter and started to train her when only a few days old and found not only that I soon loved her but she thought I was great also. I worked and worked with her until I had her taught to streich just by touching her front leg and she was about the most beautiful horse you ever saw when stretched out for show. I spent all my money for marten gale, and saddle, and bridle, and grain and lumps of sugar, and all kinds of things to train her just the way I wanted. I thought it so great to see the clown at the rodeo who could shoot a blank at his horse and have him lay down and play dead. I could never get her to drop over at a shoot but did get her to lay down on command and many other things that I thought was great. It was a long wait until I could start to ride her. And though we usually started to ride at three years old I rode her at two and by the time she was three she was the world’s best horse. Every one didn't agree, but I knew. Her mother had a very hard gate and a slow walk a trot would kill you in a few minutes so it was either slow or fast run on her. Her father, the palomino, was a five gated horse and I would have liked to have the same but found when I broke this horse that she had taken from both mother and father. She had the easiest gate of any horse I ever sat on and could walk with a kind of a pace that would make other horses trot fast to keep up, yet it was easy for her and she had the same stamina as her mother-so she could keep up that pace all day and never breath hard. I remember going with the boots and saddle club one summer when I was about 16 up into the mountains where they would have a big cook out we called a chuck wagon feed. Some of the men on that ride was teasing me before we started, we had met at a certain place and then would ride to-gather to the place where we would eat. Reece Koford said to me you had better leave that little mare here and ride up there with the cooks in the truck because I don't think she will ever make it. I said you just let me lead the way and we'll see who gets there first. I did start in the group but just let that little mare have her head and set her own pace. It was a ride through the mountains some places quite steep and took 5 or 6 hours to get there but by the after noon I had gone by every other horse on the trail and arrived in camp a good half hour before the first one of the others came, and that little mare wasn't even breathing hard nor was I tired. Others came in with horses lathered in sweat and rider’s with such sore hinders, they could hardly sit to eat a great meal waiting for us. I found that I had named her well when I called her Pride.

The scriptures teach us that men and animals will all resurrect and live again in the heavens. I look forward to the time when I can show all of you kids my horse Pride. I just hope that all of you will listen to your mom and dad and the things they try to teach you about our heavenly Father and live so we can all be to-gather some day and can all live for-ever that way as a family. Then when the time comes that I am finished with life here and go home, it won't be hard for me to leave knowing that you will follow me there. I love to read what the prophets have written and often read Nephi's words when he said good-by to his family and all others that he had taught the gospel to.

He said, And now, my beloved brethren, and also Jew, and all ye ends of the earth hearken unto these words and believe in Christ and if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ, and now, my beloved brethren, all those who are of the house of Israel, and all ye ends of the earth, I speak unto you as the voice of one crying from the dust: Farewell until that great day shall come. And you that will not partake of the goodness of God, and respect the works of the Jews an3 also my words and the words which shall proceed forth out of the mouth of the Lamb of God, behold, I BID YOU AN EVERLASTING FAREWELL; FOR THESE WORDS SHALL CONDEMN YOU AT THE LAST DAY: For what I seal on earth, shall be brought against you at the judgment bar; for thus hath the Lord commanded me, and I must obey. 2 Nephi 33:10-15

I have often thought what a sad day it will be if I get to heaven with Grandma and one of our children does not choose to come, or one of our grand children or great grand children. What a sad day to have to say good bye for-ever. It was so hard for me to say good-by for 1 and years even though I knew I'd come back. I never want to say good-bye for-ever. Please try to live so we can be together for-ever. I love you all so much and am counting the days until I see you again. This is day 41 and it is almost gone by also. We will see you soon. Love from a grateful and thankful grandfather for all of you and your mom's and Dad's.

Grandpa Morgan

What beautiful and loving thoughts I now have to lay awake in the dark and contemplate. Thank you grandpa for this special treat.

Goodnights

2011-06-24T21:51:00.002-04:00

Pray, He is there....
Speak, He is listening....
You are His child.
His love now surrounds you.
He hears your prayers....
He loves the children
Of such is the kingdom....
The kingdom of heaven.

Goodnight my Freddy boy. I love you.

Thoughts on Raising Children Unto the Lord

2011-06-22T12:54:00.003-04:00

I was reading a friends blog this morning and these thoughts just came flooding into my mind. I want to preserve them so here they are going on the blog.

I often talk about how I wish I could just stop my baby from growing and keep him small and with me forever. A part of me really feels this way but as Freddy grows he becomes more fun and more interesting and wonderful so it's not so bad but the fear is still there.

The real fear of them growing is that one day they will grow up and LEAVE. They won't need us moms much anymore. That will be a sad, hard day....or will it?

I've been thinking that these kids that we hold within us for 9 months and then birth really aren't ours....yet. The Lord gives them to us only for us to give them back. It is the job of the mother (and father) to teach these children how to make good choices that will lead them back to our Eternal Father. So as they grow and we teach them by words and deeds to make good choices we are in a way giving them back. With each testimony that is burned into their little hearts, with each covenant they choose to make they will need us less and less. One day at a time they are learning to rely on heavenly parents for guidance. If you think about it in this way it's not sad at all...it's the happiest thought in the world, for where else will our children be more safe than to be guided and directed along the iron rod by Father Himself?

We can't make our children be ours forever. Eternal families depend on the individual. Just as we must stay true to the Lord through out our lives, our children must use their agency to do so as well. Only then can we be eternal. And only then will they be ours...truly ours, forever.

For the past week or so I have felt an urgency to pray very specifically for my children. I have a testimony of prayer...specific prayer and I have felt very strongly this urgent desire to pray that my children will be able to feel and RECOGNIZE the spirit, that they will have opportunities to gain testimonies of the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, the Savior Jesus Christ and His healing power, prayer, the love of their Heavenly Father...etc. early. I pray specifically that I will know what I must do to show them how to gain testimonies. That I will know how to show them how to exercise faith. That I will be inspired to teach them from the scriptures at the right moments. That Burgess and I will be consistent with church attendance, family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening and temple attendance no matter what.

My prayers have been long and so specific but I feel very satisfied afterwards feeling so sure that my desires and feelings have been heard and felt and will not go unanswered. I want the Lord to know that I am willing to do all that I can do to lead these children back to Him because I know that He has the power to make sure they are mine forever and ever.

Babies change me....

2011-06-20T12:15:00.003-04:00

Today I went to my first prenatal visit.

I realized how much I have changed since I had Freddy.

First, I am going about pregnancy and birth 100% differently than I did before. (Read about that in detail HERE). I am seeing a midwife this time and planning to birth in the oldest freestanding birthing center in the country.

Second, I am much more in control when it comes to getting blood drawn. Finally. I had Freddy right near me and my desire to keep him calm kept me completely calm.

Third, I heard my babies heartbeat. It was slightly muffled because of my own heartbeat but it was fast and sounded strong. It was the most comforting sound I've ever heard. This time around I don't have as much fear as I did before. I feel much more confident in my body, in heavenly Father and in my husband and family.

I can't help but think how much this baby will continue to change me and help me grow into the person that I want to be. I hope I can be humble, submissive and understanding with all my children so that as I strive to teach them I will be able to learn all that they have to come here to earth to teach me. I don't want to miss those important often quiet lessons.

Thank you Father in heaven for the boy I have been given and for the baby I am carrying. Thank you so much.

-me

My boy

2011-06-16T16:16:00.005-04:00

This is my boy.

He is wonderful.
He has grown 1.25 inches in the past 3 months.
He can form sentences better than most teenage text addicts.
He makes me so proud.
He learns from the scriptures.
He has an amazing memory.
He is cautious.
He loves to sing songs.
He asked me to dance the other day...slow dance.
And then he gave me a kiss...right on the lips.
He is sensitive and caring.
He says prayers just "like Nephi" every night.
He is beautiful.
He is mine.
Thank goodness he is mine.

Greatest moment of my life

2011-06-14T22:42:00.003-04:00

It was June 13, 2011 in the early hours of the evening.

Freddy was upset as he usually is when he needs to...you know...go number 2.

I have to sit with him in the bathroom, talk to him calmly, rub his back, blow on his face, sing to him and just love him.

This time was no different. I was talking to him positively and happily trying to motivate him to do the deed when he took hold of my shirt and pulled me closer to him. He laid his warm head down on my knee, and wrapped his arms around my legs and said, "I wuv you....I wuv you mama."

This was by far the most wonderful moment of my whole entire life.

Dear Freddy,

I wuv you too. More than I can ever say with words.

Wuv,

Mama

Aiden my Angel Boy

2011-06-10T09:09:00.003-04:00

Today is my last day with my Aider-Raider.

I will admit there have been times that I dreamed of this day. He has tested me on so many levels. His stubborn little self was a surprise that I just was not ready for.

But today I am not jumping for joy. Every time I see his little grin I am sad. He is such a happy little guy. He's got the best sense of humor. He is a sweety boy and gives me snuggles, loves and kisses all day long. It has been so fun to watch him learn and grow up. I have enjoyed his personality and his little friendship with Freddy. They have become really good little buds and you can see that they both are concerned for the other when there are tears or "uh ohs". I will miss the big smile and hug I get when he sees me for the first time in the morning...his awkward little run to come and get a love. I will miss watching the two boys running back and forth from the kitchen to the bedroom laughing and playing. I will miss Aiden's sweet cheeks (but I'm sure he will not miss me pinching them all day long - seriously he has the best pinching cheeks). I will miss those times when all he wants to do after waking up from a nap is snuggle. He is my snuggler. I will miss our peak-a-boos and his laugh. I will miss tickling his skinny belly, head butting and pretending to eat his fingers and toes. I will miss his words and his tricks.

Mostly I would like to thank Aiden for being my angel boy. He has been one of my toughest challenges but also one of my greatest blessings. He was not the challenge all by himself it was more a combination of the circumstance in which he found me. During the course of having him with me 9 hours every day he managed to show me the pure love of Christ in a way that no one else has been able to. He showed me the ways I need to change and led me to find one of the greatest treasures of my adult life. He has been one of my toughest challenges but he has no doubt been one of my greatest blessings. I love this boy and I will miss him being mine for a little while every day.

Good thing he lives close so I can get my Aiden fix often and easily :)

2011-06-05T13:58:00.003-04:00

Well....I'm doing better. I read over the last post and while I felt those things very sincerely then I'm glad to say that I'm pretty much moved on. It's still a sad situation but I can do no more than I've already done to resolve it and I've just got to press forward and trying to change Amy.

With that said...I still feel a little depressed. I've had morning sickness for a little over a month now. Some days it's so bad that I can do more than get up to go to the bathroom, other days I can take the boys out for a little while and get a little dinner made but those days seem to be far and few between.

It's depressing. Or maybe I'm just suffering from pregnancy induced depression. I'm not sure but all I know is that not feeling like yourself...feeling sick and tired and dizzy and just plain terrible for an extended period of time really takes a toll on your emotions. I think it makes the sickness worse. Anyway...

I have just been thinking about women who have to spend months of their pregnancies on bed rest or who spend months and months feeling sick and throwing up. It puts into perspective how great the blessing and responsibility is to bare and rear children. It is a huge sacrifice but it is truly the greatest earthly experience we can have. Nothing can compare with this task. Being a partner with God himself in physically creating life...it's just an amazing thing.

I'm so grateful I have been blessed with this opportunity. It has been extremely rough and it continues to be but I'm grateful for it.

Love is the Goal

2011-05-24T21:15:00.005-04:00

Right now I feel:

Sorry I was ever born.
Sorry that my Freddy boy (and future children) have been cursed with me as a mother.
Bad for my husband to have to be married to me.
Like I wish I could just disappear (seriously).
A throbbing headache - on top of constant morning sickness - this is terrible.
Like the most terrible person in the world.
Beaten up.
Discouraged. So so discouraged.
and Embarrassed.

This evening I received an email from an acquaintance. I met her when we lived in Pittsburgh and although I didn't know her very well we've stayed in touch through the world wide web like so many people do using blogs and facebook.

She proceeded to tell me - with out even a whisper of mercy - how much she absolutely hates me...for three paragraphs.

I was shocked because 1, I don't even really know her. 2, I couldn't think of one reason that I would think any of the things that she accused me of. 3, She had never attempted to express her feelings to me before and chose this first time to do so boldly (to put it nicely) on so many fronts.

My first reaction was or course bawling my eyes out (this freaked the crap out of Freddy). Then I prayed. I asked the Lord to please comfort her heart, as I unknowingly and unintentionally had offended her on such a deep level. I asked that one day she might be able to forgive my many shortcomings. Then I just cried some more....in the midst of my tears I heard the Lord tell me a few things that I want to document because it will likely take me a while to overcome the pain that I am now experiencing.

I felt so strongly that I am so far from perfect AND THAT IS OK. I don't want to make this girl out to be a jerk or anything. Although she voiced her feelings STRONGLY, her feelings are her feelings and she must have been very hurt (angry, annoyed and frustrated) to have it all explode into an email like that. What I'm trying to say is, my prayer didn't reveal that I am a good person and that she just misunderstood me and chose to be offended. It was more like, you have a lot to learn. But the overwhelming comfort was that unlike this girl, He loves me so much. He accepts my faults because I very sincerely put my faith in Him and try to change and He has the power within Him to make it happen. It is a reality. I will be like Him one day through the truth of the restored Gospel.

I also felt this: love is the goal. LOVE. I can't be perfect tomorrow but I can love a little bit more. This is something that I can choose. I know there have been times that I have misjudged someones intentions, comments, choices or actions. I KNOW I HAVE. I'm sure even the times that I am CONVINCED beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am right about this or that person that I was wrong. I'm not so different from this girl who can't stand the thought of me and guess what...we are just like most of the rest of the world. If we can just remember that people say and do things because of the people that raised them, the people that love them and the people that have hurt them. No one is innocent and unfortunately we are all victims.

Here's the good news: He has overcome the world (John 16:33)

I hope that going forward that I will remember this experience and that I will choose love. I hope that I will have the strength and the humility to choose to give the benefit of the doubt. I know there will be mistakes and I probably will suffer from this terrible curse called pride for the rest of my life but I hope in Christ that I will slowly be able to make the change and see people with the eyes of the Savior.

With that said, I still feel terrible. I feel so sorry for being so infuriating to someone I hardly know. I feel so insecure....I wonder how many people actually really truly hate my guts. I wonder how many people I have hurt (my heart breaks at the thought). I wonder if I have any real friends (other than my husband) or if everyone is actually constantly annoyed and offended by me. Do they all just put up with me because they feel bad for me? I am scared for Freddy. I feel bad that he has such an imperfect mother and role model. It will likely take some time to overcome all of these feelings but hopefully I'll be able to move on quickly. The last thing Freddy needs is a depressed mother.

Having the right man by your side

2011-05-24T13:05:00.003-04:00

Have you heard? I'm pregnant! YE HAW!

I've been reflecting a lot on my last pregnancy, birth and early stages of motherhood and I've decided that it is hard but it is doable and so very enjoyable if you have the right man by your side.

My last pregnancy was easy (but let's get honest...how easy is pregnancy really? Heartburn, backaches, sleepless nights, bruised ribs, constant trips to the bathroom....etc.) but my husband still went above and beyond to help me. Not only did he make many trips to the store and Arby's but he also gave me a back massage EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. When I got huge he would wake up with me, come around and help me out of bed and to the bathroom so I could pee. Could I have gotten out of bed by myself? Yes. Was it wonderful to have a man who was willing to make sacrifices like that for me? YES.

When it came time to breast feed, Freddy and I had a terrible time. The pain was excruciating and no one could figure out what the problem was. Burgess knew how important it was to me to breast feed our son, and it was important to him as well. He started waking up to do all the late night feedings (with pumped milk) so that I could have a full nights rest. It was that rest that gave me the strength to push through the pain for those first couple of months until Freddy started sleeping through the night (although the pain lasted for 7 months until my nipples completely lost all feeling).

This pregnancy has been so different from Freddy's. It's been rough. Full of nauseousness, fatigue, dizziness, among other things....

Burgess has once again stepped up to the plate in every way. He does the dishes and much of the cooking because the smell of even just being in my kitchen makes me want to die. He's been waking up with the kids and letting me sleep or soak in the bath as much as I want. He gives me back rubs and takes my hormones in stride. He has been completely supportive of my decision to give birth naturally at a birth center with a midwife. He has been running errands, taking kids to the park, doing bed time...I can't think of anything he hasn't done or been willing to do for me.

It's not what he does it's that he is willing to do it. It is that he is happy to do it. It is that he loves me so much he can't imagine not doing it. He just serves me, naturally and wholeheartedly.

I'm so glad that I have the right man by my side through this life and I am so grateful to know that we will be together forever.

Burgess,

I love you more than I will ever be able to describe with words. I pray that I will be able to show you someday before I die.

Love,

Your wife.

In the Lords Hands

2011-05-23T19:21:00.003-04:00

We found out today that a big name client is pulling the plug on a project that my husband has been working on for the better part of 6 months. It was going to be a HUGE payday for us so it is quite disappointing to hear that we will not have this income coming in as we expected.

When Burgess forwarded me the "break up" email, I immediately felt that everything will be OK and that this project was just not in the Lords plan for us. I was able to see how it was a blessing to us, even though it was not in the way we originally expected.

I have been thinking a lot about how we have completely entrusted ourselves to the Lord when it comes to our professional and temporal decisions. I remember when I was pregnant with Freddy Burgess was badly mislead by his employer and ended up (unjustly) losing his very nice paying job. It was a blow but we felt confident things would be OK. I had a good job and we felt that he would be able to find something again soon. This was not the case. It took a really long time for him to find even a low paying part time job. We continued to pray and to look for jobs but nothing was happening. I admit there were times I really wondered how everything would be OK. We just kept praying.

I called Burgess home from his part time job because I was in labor. We went to the hospital had our baby and continued praying that we would be able to take care of this new love of ours. Two days later we brought our son home from the hospital and just a few hours later Burgess received a phone call. It was from a verizon wireless store owner who had looked over his resume and didn't want to interview him but wanted to HIRE HIM. Right there on the spot, Burgess excepted the job! Full time, good pay and flexible hours (to comply with school schedule). We were completely shocked and humbled. This job turned out to be one of the greatest blessings for our family so far.

It was a great testimony builder for the both of us. We know that if we put our trust in the Lord, if we truly step into His hands and let Him be our guide that we will always be taken care of. We know we will always be able to take care of our children and we KNOW that the Lord is mindful of our family.

Now that I am pregnant for the second time it seems fitting that we would lose a job...I just can't wait for the next thing to come along because I know it will be bigger and better.

"Remember the Sabbath Day to Keep it Holy"

2011-04-10T08:57:00.005-04:00

Last Saturday I sat down with my husband and son to listen to the Prophet and other leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints speak to the world. These humble men and women pray to the Lord, seek the scriptures and are inspired by the Holy Spirit to know exactly what the Savior Jesus Christ would have them tell the world. I know this is true because on countless occasions I have felt the loving hand of the Savior touch my heart and my mind as I have listened to the messages at General Conference.

One talk I have been thinking a lot about is the talk entitled, The Sabbath and the Sacrament, by L. Tom Perry. Read it, listen to it or watch it. It's great.

Yesterday I deep cleaned our little apartment with the sabbath day on my mind. I planned to leave the house as perfect as I could so that when the sabbath came I would be prepared to keep it holy by not having to do dishes, fold laundry, pick up toys and clothes...etc. I planned for our dinner with the sabbath in mind as well. I baked an extra 4 potatoes and planned to make an easy crock pot chili so that dinner would be practically no effort at all. I'm in my "Sunday best" not to go to church but because it's the sabbath day. The T.V. is off. We have watched some conference talks and we have listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. It has been such a sweet sabbath morning.

I'm so grateful for the commandments. I'm grateful for living prophets and apostles who remind us of the Lords council and seek to help us understand it better. I'm learning that there is so much more to each commandment than I learned in primary all those years ago. The more we give ourselves to the commandments, with sincerity and faith in Christ, the more we can be filled with the chosen blessings of the Lord. I love the Lord and therefore I love His commandments. I am not perfect at living them and there are things that I struggle to understand but I know that through His love I can "know the truth of all things".

Also, how amazing is this painting? I WANT IT! I want this one too - by the same artist.

What Lack I Yet?

2011-04-03T08:13:00.004-04:00

We studied Matthew 19 in institute the other day. When the young man asked the Lord, "What lack I yet?", I was reminded of the time I felt impressed while praying to ask, "What can I do more, Lord?" Now, I don't know the heart of the young man who asked, "what lack I yet?" but I do know that he went away sorrowful after being told what he could do, but as for me I had the opposite reaction to the answers that came to me.

Yes, many answers came through out the following months. I didn't feel guilty that I hadn't been doing these things already, I felt happy to have been taught what I could do more. I felt blessed to have been given understanding. My love for the Lord increased to a point that I hadn't experienced before. Each time an answer came I quickly implemented the change in my life or in my families routine and we have been happier. Read about the biggest change HERE.

I will never forget the power of the spirit when the Lord was revealing to me the truths that I had always missed in the Word of Wisdom (if you haven't yet you might want to read THIS to understand more fully what I'm talking about). It was empowering and exciting. It was motivating and filled my heart to overflowing with love and joy.

When Burgess and I were discussing some poignant things we remembered from yesterdays conference this morning he mentioned how it felt like President Monson was like an "old school" prophet last night. He said, "He totally reminded me of King Benjamin" in the way he was calling the priesthood to repentance. He talked about how so often we are asked to do the same simple things...Read our scriptures daily, pray always, go to church and renew our covenants, go to the temple often, pay a full tithe, give a generous fast offering, obey the Word of Wisdom, obey the law of chastity...etc. We've been taught to do these things since our infancy in the church and we are still being asked to do them and do them with more faithfulness.

This made me think once again how wonderful it was to learn more about such a seemingly simple commandment that I had felt in my entire life I would never have trouble living - the Word of Wisdom. I realized how much more there was to that simple, even "easy" commandment that I had been missing all these years. Now I am left to wonder how much more there is to learn about prayer (which I'm kind of tapping into with my on going study of meditation), scripture study, church worship, church service, Family Home Evening and all of the above. I'm so excited to find out. I'm so excited to have more and more pearls of wisdom revealed unto me by my loving Father in Heaven through the grace of the Savior.

One more thing I've been thinking about...

I've had quite a few people say things like, "well what have the more recent prophets like President Hinckley or Monson said about eating meat?", or "until President Monson comes out and says he doesn't eat meat and we shouldn't either then I'm going to keep eating meat." First of all I don't judge these people. I see them as possibly not prepared for this truth, just as I have not been prepared and am not ready for many of the truths that they may have already had the pleasure of learning. We all learn different things at different times, but it does make me think...

How many have forgotten that we are entitled to personal revelation? How many have not had the enlightening experience of learning something directly from the Lord and knowing with out a doubt that it is truth. How many will simply wait to hear it from someone "in charge" before they will act or change....how many will miss out on so many opportunities to feel the Lord right by their sides whispering truths of the universe in their ears and feeling his incredible never ending love?

I hope not many. The thought is truly heart breaking.

As for me, I can't wait to dive in and see what more I can learn, what more I can do. I want to feel the closeness of the Lord and the more I keep His commandments the nearer to Him I can be. I love Him. OH how I love Him! My heart is so full of gratitude and thanks for all He has given me. I just pray that I can live up to His grace and mercy each day and serve Him.

Emotionally Unstable

2011-04-01T13:24:00.004-04:00

Emotionally unstable today.

I just can't take the suspense. Even though I know what's coming.

I expected my period yesterday. It didn't come. I knew it would come in the middle of the night like it sometimes does or by mid morning.

It's 1:26 pm. It still hasn't come.

I know it will come. I've been having all the symptoms for about 4-5 days now. When I first started having cramps I told myself, oh well. It's just not your month but don't worry about it. Your time will come. Each day I've had the normal tenderness and cramping that comes along near the end of every cycle and I've just thought. That's OK. We'll keep trying.

But when the day comes and goes. Every hour of waiting is terrible. When My period still hadn't come this morning I just felt the tears rising. I know my period will come. It always does. But that little voice in my head comes up with every excuse for it not to. "Cramping could be due to your change in diet...maybe you really are pregnant!?" it will say and I will hope for a split second and then I will tell myself to "STOP! Just accept the truth. You are not pregnant!" Then my feelings get hurt and I start crying. It's just terrible.

Why can't my period just come when its suppose to come. It's this suspense. It's this opportunity that my mind has to wonder and to hope. I hate it. I couldn't go visiting teaching this morning. I've just been on the verge of tears all day. I talked to my mom and cried. I talked to my friend who's going through the same thing and that helped but now....it's nap time.

There is nothing to take my mind off that clock. Each minute goes by and it's just torture. When will it come.....maybe it won't....but it will, it's just a matter of time....but it's got to work sometime, maybe this is your month....IT'S NOT, just stop thinking about it......yeah right.

I'll just try to take a nap I guess. That should be easy. Crying usually puts me right to sleep.

Oh goodness. I'm so unstable.

2011-03-18T08:31:00.003-04:00

Click HERE and check out what my husband is working on right now. We hope to enter the finished product into many film festivals. PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN!

No MORE Pressure!

2011-03-14T21:35:00.004-04:00

Guess what?

My amazing son has turned 2. I do not have another little baby and I am not pregnant.

THE WORLD DIDN'T END.

I didn't realize how much pressure I had put on myself to have a baby or at least be pregnant by the time Freddy turned 2. I always had in my mind that my kids would be ABOUT 2 years apart. I have been wanting another little baby for so long that at first I thought I would have another baby by the time he turned two...then when that wasn't working out I decided I would at least be pregnant by that time.

Every month that I was not pregnant just added to this pressure I unknowingly put on myself to be pregnant by March 7th, 2011.

I was absolutely devastated when that pregnancy test turned negative the week before Freddy's birthday. I was so sad all of Freddy's birthday. Not only because my baby is growing up so fast but because I didn't even have another baby to look forward to.

Then I woke up Tuesday morning and felt lighter. I felt fine. I felt happy. I honestly could see my life clearly and realized - I AM HAPPY. I had no idea how much pressure I had put on myself to achieve this image of the family I had always imagined. And now that this goal is no longer a possibility I feel FREE! I don't have anything to live up to anymore. I don't have anything expectations. I can't fail. It is an awesome feeling.

I think we do this a lot in life. We get it in our heads that we need to be a certain way, or live a certain life, or accomplish a specific goal and many times we are just putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves and setting ourselves up for failure. We actually talked about this in my meditation class this week. It is so important to just let go of expectations and just let life take us happily where it will. Do not resist. Not to say we just sit around and let life happen to us but to just trust in the Lord when it comes to things we do not have control over.

I THINK* I can honestly say that I don't care when I get pregnant now that all the pressure is off. I am happy to be pregnant whenever my time comes. I'll keep trying and keep preparing my body but THANK GOODNESS the pressure to create life is off of me. I'll let God handle that from now on.

*I say "I THINK" because I cannot say that another negative test will not devastate me. It very well may hurt just as deeply - but if I keep feeling this way through out the month I think I'll be just fine. I will say that I am not immune to PMS. So we'll see what happens.

You won't believe this after reading the last post but...

2011-03-05T12:52:00.008-05:00

I've been studying and meditating a lot on the subject of Charity lately. It's been such an enlightening journey and it's reminded me a lot of many of the principles I read in the book,

The Places That Scare You.

Read. It. It is awesome!

As a part of my study I have of course been reflecting on 1 Corinthians 13. A couple of things that jumped off the page at me are, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity...is not puffed up....[it] seeketh not her own; [it] beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

During my daily meditations I repeat those words and say things like, "I have Charity and Love, which suffereth long, and is kind and is not puffed up". This helps me to react with charity and humility in trying situations. OBVIOUSLY I am not perfect at this (for proof read post below) but I have been amazed how it has helped in many other situations.

While meditating on the words "suffereth long" I was taken back to times when I have thought, "That's IT! I'M DONE WITH THEM!!!" (or this or that) and proceeded to map out ways to completely separate myself from such people (or things) that caused me pain.

This is not charity. Even if my feelings of injustice and hurt are 100% valid...this is the opposite of charity.

'Charity suffereth long' is illustrated well in Matthew 18:21-22, "21Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." Charity beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things - no matter what.

The key to this is kindness. Charity is kind. Even when the answer is no, even when the pain only gets worse, even when injustice is at it's peak...we must bear, believe, hope and endure with kindness and love in our hearts, in our words and in our actions. This is how we become like Christ.

When we automatically go, "AAHHH!! I hate you (or this or that) and I'm done! You've lost the privilege of my association (or time or effort)" we are puffed up. Charity is not puffed up and seeketh not her own. If we can find the faith to ask for charity and then find the strength to take it upon ourselves we can find peace even in the most pain stricken and terrifying of times.

Don't read this.....

2011-03-02T13:50:00.004-05:00

If I have to read one more time about how annoying it is to be pregnant or how uncomfortable or how terrible and tiring it is I think I'll freak out!

Yes, I know...I used to be the one complaining. But I was young and dumb.

Yes, today I got yet another NEGATIVE pregnancy test. I know tomorrow I'll feel better but today I'm just so sad. I'm just so tired of trying and waiting and then....NO.

Then I hear or read about how terrible and uncomfortable it is to be pregnant and oh gosh WHINE WHINE WHINE...and I just want to SLAP them and SCREAM....

AT LEAST YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!!!

Some of us don't have it quite so easy....

After taking some deep breaths I will constructively point out to myself that this next baby of mine must be very special with some very important work to do because the Lord is waiting til JUST the RIGHT TIME (and I am truly grateful for this) AND I tell myself that one day when it is finally my turn to be pregnant again I will likely whine and complain myself so I need to just be patient and loving with those who are uncomfortable enough to forget for an instant what a blessing it is to have that little baby warm and snug all up in their rib cages or bouncing on their bladders.

And then when things settle down a little bit more my mind will drift to the pregnancy test resting smugly among toilet paper and dirty diapers as it whispers over and over and over "negative, negative, negative again..." and I will cry.

And that's my cue.

Personal Trek to Zion

2011-02-09T16:39:00.003-05:00

This morning while studying the scriptures with my sweet husband I was impressed once again by the ever inspiring Latter-day Saint Pioneers. In this instance I likened their journey east to west to my and ultimately every Christian's earthly experience.

Those early saints were asked to move to and fro so many times. Sometimes only residing in a place long enough to pitch a tent other times providing them enough time to build a home and produce a good profiting farm or store. One thing was sure in their lives and that was the ever persistent sting of persecution. No matter how unlawful and unjust it was they would ultimately leave their space seeking peace. These journeys were not made during the best times of year with all of the necessary provisions. Most of the time they just picked up and left with almost nothing and prayed for the support of the Lord.

There came a time when they built a city up from a swamp. It became beautiful, successful and thrived until it rivaled the big city of Chicago. This of course called attention to these peaceful people and soon cannonballs rolled through the streets. They were called upon to make yet another trek. They walked through mud and rain for over 400 miles until they came to the border of the United States. Here they camped on the frozen plains of Nebraska and Iowa until called upon to make the rest of the journey....more than one thousand miles.

At this point (as it had happened before) there were some who refused to go. They just couldn't bring themselves to leave the homes they had built yet AGAIN. And they stayed there on those beautiful bluffs for the remainder of their days and I'm sure many of them found a portion of happiness there.

But for those who went on, the days and trials of climbing the rocky mountains would be almost nothing compared to the experiences they had crossing the eastern plains. These pioneers were pushed to the limit. They were tried to the very last degree that survival would allow. Think of the joy they must have experienced as they finally arrived in the Great Salt Lake Valley. Imagine the peace they must have enjoyed as they set up camp never to be forced out of a place again. Just think of the spiritual strength they must have had as they finally made it to the place the Lord had prepared for them. The portion of their happiness was I'm positive, to the point of overflowing.

We go through tests and trials every day of our lives. Some are harder than others. Some amount to the likes of the rocky mountains. Having just crossed the rocky's and made it to the promised land of my own life I can honestly say that it is worth all the sweat, blood and tears. As I turn around and look back on the journey I am filled with gratitude.

If you ever feel like you can't push or pull your handcart of trials another day just know that you can, because HE is with you and when you get to where you are going you will be equally as happy as you were in pain. It is worth it. Keep on trekking. You'll get there. I promise.

Proactively Using the Atonement

2011-02-09T16:09:00.004-05:00

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.
Psalms 19:14

I have been impressed by the power of meditation for years now but have always had a little trouble understanding/explaining why. Well I finally figured out why/how to explain how wonderful it is.

It is proactively utilizing the power of the Atonement.

Up until I found meditation my only experiences with the Atonement were when I was in need. I needed forgiveness, comfort, healing, love, strength...etc. Most of the time I did not feel a deep need for these things on a daily basis...sometimes, when things got bad enough I did, but not usually, therefore I did not experience the power of the Atonement on a daily basis.

But now....

Every morning I take the time to relax and open my heart to the spirit as I take very deep cleansing breaths. During this time I let the spirit direct me in my chant of affirmations. Some days I feel impressed to open my heart up to receive strength, control, and patience. Other days I feel more impressed to open my heart to receive charity, faith, hope and humility. And yet on other days I am more impressed to open my heart to receive the love of my Father in heaven and the acceptance that I am offered through the grace of Christ. With out fail I find myself amazed at how in tune my chant was with the progress of my day. On the days I received patience - my patience was challenged. One the days I received humility and charity - my pride was challenged. I realized (while meditating) that each time I TAKE THE TIME to open myself up to the Lord and align my will to His and "ask" ever so gently for His grace and support that I am actively calling upon the miracle of the Atonement to save me before I am even in danger.

I am "asking" Him for patience before I'm in danger of losing it. I am "asking" Him to make me virtuous before I'm in danger of temptation. It has been the sweetest experience for me to honor my Savior by calling upon His everlasting and ultimate gift on a daily basis rather than just when I need rescuing. I am so grateful to Him for His miraculous love. I am extremely grateful to my husband who provides me with 15 minutes every morning so that I can enjoy this very special time with my Savior. How very blessed am I?

If there is anyone out there reading this, I hope you'll give meditation a try if you haven't already. It's so wonderful - and it is a commandment...

"Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all." 1 Timothy 4:15

Enlightenment

2011-02-03T15:37:00.006-05:00

Enlightenment is the goal for people who meditate.

I experienced enlightenment just a couple of days ago and I'm still feeling high from it.

I'm mostly feeling so grateful for everything I learned.

Once again someone that I admire, respect and love very much has suffered because of me (you know who you are....I'm so sorry). I never realize how terrible I am until people tell me how miserable they are because of me and then I feel terrible.

Normally when this happens I instantly think, "FAILURE! You have failed again...there is no hope for you." Then I think about the person I that I hurt over and over and over and over and over.....and I am depressed for what seems like weeks. When I can't take the pain any longer I pray and beg for help to find happiness again.

Even though I don't feel like I deserve it I somehow find the tiniest particle of faith in the truth that Christ can heal all hearts no matter what and he does every. time.

THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT THOUGH...

This time (thank goodness this friend caught me on a day I was feeling very centered) I still felt sad but in no way was it debilitating. I was (still am) sorry and very sad to have made my dear friend's life harder than it already is but from somewhere deep down inside of me I felt that there was nothing I can do to change what was done but there is something HE can do to change me now.

I turned on Freddy's reading DVD, gave him a snack and I went and hid myself in the bathroom where I prayed. I asked Him to forgive me of all my mistakes and weaknesses and to give me peace.

What happened over the next three hours* is very sacred. Peace came.

I took the time to meditate on the peace that came over me instead of rejecting it like I usually do by telling myself I don't deserve it. I'm so glad that I took this opportunity because while doing so I not only felt my Heavenly Father's love but I knew that He was proud of me. Remember this post? MIRACLE.

Since experiencing this brief spell of enlightenment I have received tons of instruction on what I need to do to change and be better. One of the things on this list is to continue to meditate and I was inspired to do so in a slightly different way. Do you want to try it? Here's what you do:

1. Find yourself in a comfortable and quiet place (sometimes the bathtub is the only place I can find).

2. Give yourself permission to relax all the muscles in your body starting with your face and ending with your feet.

3. Take a few deep cleansing breaths and allow your body to become even more relaxed.

4. Follow this (sort of) chant as you slowly but comfortably breath in and out. (I usually breath in while saying "I am..." and out while saying "...loved" and I allow two or three breaths for the "for Christ strengthens me" statements. I also find it very satisfying to chant in rhythm with my heartbeat.) As you repeat these affirmations in your mind focus in on what you are saying, feel your heart opening up and accepting everything you are saying. Concentrate only on your breathing, keeping the muscles in your face relaxed (generally if the muscles in your face are relaxed most everything else will follow) and the words entering into your heart.

Take a deep breath while saying in your mind, "I am loved"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I am good"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I have faith for Christ strengthens me"
and another breath while repeating in your mind, "I am loved" and another "I am good"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I have hope for Christ strengthens me"
and another breath while repeating in your mind, "I am loved" and another "I am good"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I have Charity and Love for Christ strengthens me"
and another breath while repeating in your mind, "I am loved" and another "I am good"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I am virtuous for Christ strengthens me"
and another breath while repeating in your mind, "I am loved" and another "I am good"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I seek knowledge for Christ strengthens me"
and another breath while repeating in your mind, "I am loved" and another "I am good"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I am patient for Christ strengthens me"
and another breath while repeating in your mind, "I am loved" and another "I am good"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I am humble for Christ strengthens me"
and another breath while repeating in your mind, "I am loved" and another "I am good"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I am diligent for Christ strengthens me"
and another breath while repeating in your mind, "I am loved" and another "I am good"
and another breath while saying in your mind, "I am obedient for Christ strengthens me"
and another breath while repeating in your mind, "I am loved" and another "I am good"

If you feel like there is one or maybe two things in particular you need then feel free to just repeat those affirmations always repeating "I am loved and I am good". Meditate with this chant for 15 minutes or more if you can but try for at least 5. Don't worry if you can't remember everything or you feel like you're messing up the order. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Just allow yourself this time and do what feels good and right for you.

Practice this for a few days and let me know if you feel a difference. I have felt a major difference in my heart and mind and I also seem to be more open to receive inspiration and revelation.

I am adding PEACE to my study of meditation in the scriptures. You should too :)

*No, I did not confine Freddy to the couch with the T.V. and snack for hours. The enlightenment I received was had while Freddy and I were reading stories on his bed. Meditation is not always just sitting or lying in a quiet place - you can do it all day long.

Speaking of Thanks....

2011-01-27T13:15:00.004-05:00

The day I did the Thank You Note post I read the talk, The Divine Gift of Gratitude given by President Thomas S. Monson. It was so wonderful. It made me so happy. It filled my heart with the spirit. It taught me an important life lesson (nothing new but the impact was).

Here are some highlights:

My beloved friend President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.”

Notice that the Savior gave thanks for what they had—and a miracle followed: “And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the broken meat that was left seven baskets full.”

If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!”

My brothers and sisters, to express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven.

I'm sure you will read it and find many more highlights meant particularly for you. Me? I think I'm going to make a huge sign for my wall that says,

"Give thanks for what you have and miracles will follow..." Matt. 15:32-38

Thank You Notes

2011-01-26T14:32:00.004-05:00

Growing up I used to totally dread writing Thank Yous...I don't know why...maybe I just felt awkward or something...or maybe I knew my mom was going to ask me if I had written them 15 times no matter if I answered Yes or No.

As I got older I just kept writing them (as much as I remembered - which I'd guess was like 64.3%) as to not disgrace my mother.

Then last year Freddy's birthday came and went and I TOTALLY SPACED THE THANK YOUs. It got to be so long that I forgot who gave us what and I don't think I sent off one card. I still feel so badly about it.

Now Christmas has come and gone and I've been meaning to write the cards but I've been PROCRASTINATING.

Then I saw this little clip on a morning show about writing Thank Yous and how it's becoming a lost art. How some people think it's not a big deal and others think it's still VERY important. I realized that I (not just my mother) totally think it is important. This was all because of this new book, 365 Thank Yous: The Year a Simple Act of Daily Gratitude Changed My Life (doesn't it look awesome?) I watched the interview of the author and he talked about how finding gratitude every day absolutely changed his life and made him a better person. I can believe it! Finding gratitude is a way of looking outward, focusing on others and just being a little less self-centered.

I haven't been very good at it and I probably will never be perfect at it but I want to be better! I don't want to become 100% digital. I want to connect with people, be a friend and a comfort - not computer generated.

Now I am so not hating on technology here, I'm just saying that it would be nice if we sent more handwritten Thank Yous, if we received a few more phone calls instead of texts, and had more lunch dates with people than blogs and/or facebook.

I found this little article on How to Write a Proper Thank You. Here are a few highlights:

1. Be timely with sending your notes.

When thanking for dinner or a luncheon, the note should be sent the next day.
For wedding and shower gifts, the notes should be sent after coming back from the honeymoon or within a month.
Always send thank you notes to people who interviewed or met with you with regards to a job opportunity by the very next day. Write it immediately after getting home and get it in the mail that day if possible, and no later than the next day.

2. Hand-write all thank you notes.

3. Start each thank you note with a personal note to the receiver.

4. Express your gratitude two to three times during the note.

5. Explain how you are going to use the gift, if appropriate. For money, share with the gift giver how you are planning to use it.

*The article then goes on to give some examples of proper Thank You notes.

While I don't think its super important to follow everything on this list - it wouldn't hurt to try a few of them.

So I just got done writing my very late Christmas Thank Yous and one very very late dinner Thank You. It feels good.

(But not great because it's been so long that I know I must be forgetting some people and that makes me feel sad. If you are reading this and thinking that you'll probably be receiving a card in the mail soon - and then you don't - please don't hate me. It's not personal...it's just me being me).

Do you appreciate things like this? Cause I do.

2011-01-24T15:32:00.002-05:00

I LOVED THIS POST OVER AT BLOOM. I NEED THINGS LIKE THIS EVERY SO OFTEN.

Beauty Redefined

2011-01-22T09:23:00.002-05:00

I recently came across this article, Beauty Redefined. It's worth reading.

Priesthood Blessings

2011-01-22T08:39:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a really hard day. My little Aider Raider's schedule was totally off, not to mention he hasn't been feeling good and when it came to eating and naps he just screamed. When this child screams its terrible. His scream is EAR PIERCING. It gets to your core. So when he absolutely screamed bloody murder unless I was holding him (saddest/most frustrating thing ever) on the day I hadn't gotten any sleep the night before I was not handling it well. I finally just gave into him, laid down and held him (instead of folding laundry, prepping for dinner, cleaning my bathtub, or taking a nap myself).

The whole day I worried about what the stress of this day did to my body and if it would be a factor in not getting pregnant this month (yeah like worrying is going to help me here). I felt bad all day for being annoyed, frustrated and tired with Aiden. He just wanted me to hold him. He just wanted to be cuddled and I was being to anxious to give him the love he needed.

When Burgess came home from work. I had a minor meltdown. It had been a really hard day. In fact, every day is just so long - with Burgess gone until nearly bedtime or after bedtime 6 days a week (keep in mind it's been almost 2 years of this). It starts to wear on a woman. As much as I want to be a great mother and homemaker I'm finding it's getting harder and harder each day. (I just keep telling myself - "it's just a few more months, then it's GRADUATION!")

This last semester of school is going to be the hardest. Burgess received a priesthood blessing on Sunday to help prepare him for such a hard time. I was going to get one too, but of course we got distracted by life and it didn't happen. Last night as I was crying to my husband about all of the stress, worry, frustration, and guilt I feel every day I realized. I NEED A BLESSING IF I'M GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS! So I asked Burgess and of course he was happy to give me a blessing. He sat down, held onto my hands and took a few minutes to prepare himself to speak for the Lord. Then he blessed me with everything that I could possibly need.

The most special gift I received from the blessing is that I would know that the Lord is proud of me. It was the first thing Burgess said and I immediately doubted it (I have issues, I know). Then Burgess paused and said that I was blessed with the ability to KNOW that my heavenly Father is proud of me. When he said that I doubted less. But how can the Lord be proud of me when I seem to be messing up all the time lately? I am going to find out because somehow I know that He is.

There were many other great blessings given and I know that this blessing will give me strength to live through the next few months and leave them feeling fulfilled and not like a wounded soldier.

2011-01-17T18:35:00.002-05:00

Remember this post?

I wanted to also post this quote but I kept getting distracted until now.

"With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow."

Isn't that just so comforting? So perfect for me right now.

This quote was taken from the talk, The Transforming Power of Faith and Character by Elder Richard G. Scott - it makes for EXCELLENT reading, studying and pondering.

2011-01-17T12:05:00.003-05:00

Dear Dr. King,

I took my son to a museum today.
We played happily among children and parents of all races and religions.
There was no contention, no awkward or hard feelings, no trouble at all.
Thank you.

Sincerely,

Amy

My Purpose

2011-01-14T08:47:00.002-05:00

I've been meditating on my purpose the past few days.

As a missionary I constantly thought about the purpose of a representative of Jesus Christ. I thought all day long, "is this action fulfilling my purpose?, "if I say or do such thing - will I be fulfilling my purpose?" The purpose of a missionary is clear, "To invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel through faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost and enduring to the end."

So what is my purpose now? After some thought I've come up with this:

"My purpose is to become like the Savior by building up His kingdom on the earth in preparation for His 2nd coming."

In order to become like the Savior I need to KNOW Him. In order to know Him I need to be like Him. From now on I'm going to ask myself more often if what I am doing is helping me to fulfill my purpose. I want to focus on it more and keep it in the forefront of my mind. My prayer is never to lose sight of it.

It's no secret

2011-01-13T16:50:00.008-05:00

It's not really a secret anymore that Burgess and I have been trying to have another baby for a while now. Are you ready for this story?

Freddy wasn't exactly an accident but we weren't trying for him either. When I found out I was pregnant with him I was terrified and and so insecure when it came to the thought of being a mother. After I had Freddy it took us some time to bond. I didn't bond with him immediately as some women do, I bonded with Freddy through months of very painful breastfeeding. After I had Freddy my worst fear was getting pregnant again. That fear lasted a really long time! I finally got up the courage to pray and ask Heavenly Father to give me the desire to have more children when the time was right and I stopped worrying about it.

One year ago I woke up one morning and the desire was there. I thought, "Does this mean it's time?" Although I felt nervous about being a mom of two I wanted that next baby so bad. I talked to Burg and he didn't feel ready so we decided to pray about it together for a while. We prayed for 5 months. Burgess and I went to the Temple and decided to pray individually during the session and talk about it after. When we came together in the celestial room I knew I had received my answer and I wanted to know if Burgess got one. He had. The same answer as I got. We both felt very strongly that we should start trying for another baby in July.

We waited (me impatiently and Burgess appreciatively) for two months and then started trying. Looking back I realize I started out with the wrong attitude. Since Freddy was an unexpected pregnancy and since we had both been very prayerful and received the same answer to start trying in July I kind of just thought I'd get pregnant right away. Month after month, pregnancy test after pregnancy test, try after try....nothing.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions around here to say the least but at this point (eight tries later) I'm giving in. I'm letting go.

People often ask me when we are going to have another baby. It's so annoying. It seems like EVERYONE and their farm is pregnant. It's so frustrating (but I'm happy for you - seriously). When I explain that we've been trying for a while people have a gazillion guesses on why I'm not getting pregnant such as; maybe your not suppose to get pregnant until after Burgess graduates, or after you go to China and the most popular answer is: I'm not getting pregnant because I'm trying to, as soon as I stop thinking about it I'll get pregnant for sure!

First of all, do you really think that I haven't already thought of every possible reason for my not getting pregnant (my most popular one: I'm a bad mother and don't deserve another baby. I know what you want to tell me, but I'm only human)? Second of all, I know that worrying about getting pregnant can keep you from getting pregnant but YOU TRY IT. You try wanting to have your next little baby, that you know is preparing to come and be yours for time and all eternity for a whole year and then tell me how you did it, okay?

Anyway (now that I have that out there), I know it sounds like I've been completely unstable for the past year, but it really hasn't been that bad (as in I'm not COMPLETELY unstable....just unstable). I have learned so much during this time of waiting and wanting.

For one, I have never prayed to get pregnant. Every time I start my period or I get a negative test I pray and ask Heavenly Father to bless my little baby and to send him/her to me when the time is right. I know that the Lord knows the what is best for me and my family and that is what I want. I also know that my children all have special responsibilities to take care of during their stay on earth. I know they will have the opportunities to bless many other peoples lives and so I want them all to come at just the right time for them not for me (which I know is all one in the same, but you get the point).

I have also learned that I have control issues. I want to plan, prepare, and control every thing in my life. Because of this experience I have come to terms with the fact that I can plan and prepare but I do no have control. I don't have control over very much. The only thing I can control is myself; how I live, how I love, and how I react when my plans and preparations don't work out. I'm learning to let go of the things I don't have control of and really trust the Lord.

I have learned so much more during this process but I won't write it all out.

Basically, I want a baby so badly. I'd give just about anything to have and hold a brand new little baby, but in the meantime I'll be patient and appreciate the gifts the Lord has given me during the process.

Keeping the Commandments More-Better

2011-01-11T07:25:00.003-05:00

Recently I sat down and studied my patriarchal blessing. As I read I kept a running list of everything I was told to do. (I highly recommend this as a personal study to anyone that has a patriarchal blessing). It was so empowering and enlightening. One of the things on my list was "Pray for your worthiness to receive inspiration from the Holy Ghost". I thought that was interesting. I've prayed to receive inspiration through the Holy Ghost but I've never prayed specifically to be WORTHY to receive inspiration. I mean I repent and try to be worthy but I've never out right asked for it.

So....I've been praying for worthiness to receive inspiration from the Holy Ghost. It's been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done.

One piece of inspiration I received was to pray to know how I can "keep the commandments more (or better....more better)". Seriously a good thing to pray for.

So Burgess and I wake up every morning before we have to deal with kids, we pray and we study the scriptures together, then we sit next to each other and study on our own for a while (or until kids need our attention). Before Freddy goes to bed at night we pray as a family. It is the sweetest thing to witness our little 22 month old sit quietly, fold his arms and listen as mom and dad pray for at least 5 minutes. It didn't occur to me until I started asking the Lord to help me see how I can keep the commandments better that Freddy might sit still to read scriptures as well as pray. I was picking up Freddy's room and organizing the bookshelf for the 50th time the other day and found a copy of The Book of Mormon Stories that I had used on my mission. I decided to give it a try later that night.

We sat down after a little tooth brushing and Freddy immediately got ready for prayer. I went and got the book and told him that we were going to read some scriptures. He was excited as he loves to read. I started reading and picked out a few names for him to say (such as Nephi and Lehi) and he loved it (and Burgess and I LOVED listening to him say, "Nahi and HI HI"). Now after he brushes his teeth and I tell him it's time to read scriptures he goes and finds his "scriptures", brings the book to us and really enjoys "reading" his scriptures.

I'm so glad the Lord gave me the inspiration to see how I could help my family keep the commandments more it has been such a blessing and a comfort. Now if we can just keep it up.

Another Miracle

2011-01-08T08:31:00.002-05:00

Miracles have not ceased. I am a witness. I have experienced many miracles in my life. Yesterday I participated in another one.

If you recall the post previous - I haven't been the best person this past week.

A couple of days ago I read this article about Agency (ones ability from God to choose and act for ones self). It helped give me the courage to CHOOSE to make a change this week when I finally realized, "WHAT I'M DOING IS NOT WORKING". I simply just CHOSE to relax, not worry, to be more loving and kind. I CHOSE to stop thinking about myself and instead serve my family and friends.

When I made this choice I knelt down and prayed to be forgiven and for the help to make this change.

Then the miracle occurred.

I felt calm, at peace, loving and caring. I was motivated to act on every inspiration of service that came to me which brought happiness and joy back into my heart.

The next day was amazing. When faced with a unexpected challenge didn't instantly tense up and retreat to survival mode - I just relaxed - LET GO - and trusted that everything would be alright....

and it was. It was one of the best days I've had in a really long time - I didn't want it to end.

The even greater miracle of Jesus Christ is that it doesn't have to end.
We have that choice.

2011-01-06T10:33:00.003-05:00

The past week has been hard.

I have been faced with unexpected challenges to top off the usual ones. I have not conducted myself as I should have. I have been impatient, unkind, depressing and selfish. I am ashamed. I have hurt people that I love through my behavior and I'm just not going to do that anymore.

Today, I'm making a change. I'm not going to be sad, hurt, and self centered anymore.

I'm going to let go, make a change, and be better.

Thank thee, Heavenly Father for hearing my prayers and for giving thy Son as a way for me to change myself and be happy.

The Year of Letting Go....

2011-01-01T06:08:00.002-05:00

2011 - the year of letting go.

My New Years Resolutions last year and this year are SO different - last year my goals were so intense...this year - I have one goal - let go.

My theme is "Be Still and Know That I Am God"

I am going to let go and learn to trust this year.

I am going to serve, love and have faith.

It's going to be a year of "meaning, gladness and peace".

The Truth

2010-11-22T09:57:00.004-05:00

This is my best friend from Junior High/High School. We were the kind of friends that spent most of our time being absolutely and completely (embarrassingly) goofy together. The rest of our time we spent immersed in music. Catherine learned to play the piano from her mother when she was 3 years old I think. She was born with a musical talent that most people only pretend they have when they are totally alone in the shower. Her talent is a perfect combination of divine inspiration and pure dedication.

When you listen to her music you get to see how purely beautiful she is as a person.
Her album is fun and flirty, comforting and truthful. Truthful about her, you and me.

BUY IT HERE on CD or HERE on iTunes

Seriously, I'm not just recommending it because I love her. You will love her too!

Meditating Scripture

2010-11-12T12:45:00.002-05:00

Recently I have focused my scripture study on Meditation. There is so much in scripture ancient and modern about meditation. I invite everyone to study it. Start in the topical guide under meditation and go from there...it's awesome reading.

I have been trying to practice what I'm learning which means finding a good place and good time for meditation. It's HARD. Well, I finally got my answer.

Mornings. Early mornings.

Anyone that knows me even a little bit knows that I am NOT a morning person. Even as a missionary I STRUGGLED with mornings. Now that I am watching my friends baby while she works I am waking up at around 6 so that I can study my scriptures before the baby comes and it has been wonderful. The time in the early morning when my mind is most clear and active that is completely quiet and void of any distraction is absolutely perfect. But not only that, I find that for the rest of the day I'm thinking about what I studied....which means I am actively meditating all day!

My next invitation to everyone is to get up early when it's quiet and your mind is clear to pray and study your scriptures. I PROMISE that you will feel a difference and you will notice that you are meditating almost naturally all through out the day.

The Current Prayer of My Heart

2010-11-05T13:58:00.003-04:00

Sometimes when things don't work out we naturally try to come up with a REASON. Although I do believe the Lord has a reason for everything He doesn't usually tell us right off the bat and our "guesses" of His reasons are usually wrong. It's an easy trap to fall into and it's an easy way to become discouraged and bitter. The beauty is that we find His purposes in ourselves through the experience He allows us.

Right now, I'm wrestling the temptation to place blame on something and someone and just trust in the Lord.

The current prayer of my heart:

I pray that I will know if there is anything in my life that needs to change and the strength and faith to change that I may be worthy of His gift. I pray that "something" will happen according to the Lord's timetable and not my own. I pray that I will be comforted because the pain is growing deeper every day. I pray that I will stay positive and active and busy and that I will not let the absence of "something" distract me from all the blessings I already have. I pray that I will become a better mother, wife, and servant to the Lord each day and that I will be worthy of His guidance and inspiration.

On the Subject of Being Nursery Leader:

2010-09-26T19:28:00.003-04:00

This is definitely one of those callings that no matter what it is trial and error and will be different every single week. Last week, no criers, everyone participated in singing time. This week, criers the ENTIRE time and singing time and the lesson a total bust, not to mention one little guy just followed the other kids around slugging them, pushing them, and biting them. Oh my goodness.

Do not misunderstand, I actually really LOVE this calling. I love all those little babes. I just keep telling myself to roll with the punches.

Relaxation and Meditation: Medicine for the Mind, Body and Soul

2010-09-24T14:44:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been motivated to practice more relaxation and meditation (I'll post on the reason for my motivation later).

I've been practicing self-hypnosis for relaxation purposes and I have also been meditating for the past week. It has been wonderful. I find that I am much less stressed and can easily and cheerfully do my housework, mothering and wife-ing. Sometimes when I feel like there are a million things to do and my house is dirty, my kid is whining and my husband is gone I get stressed and tense and then I usually just sit around all day ignoring everything I have to do while trying to survive the day until my husband gets home to rescue me. Since I've started practicing relaxation I have not had this reaction to my life. I've been able to get everything done - no stress - no problem. I feel like I've been a nicer wife, a more patient mother and a much more in tune person. I'm loving it.

One positive experience:

During Freddy's nap I lay down to practice some hypnosis and relaxation and was able to get myself into a very deep state. I heard Freddy wake up and so I took some energizing breaths and got up to get him.

***Just so we are clear. Freddy has a post nap routine and he does NOT do well for it to be interrupted. He does not want to have anything to do with me or anything else until he has had a big tall cold sippy cup of chocolate milk while he watches cartoons. Then and only then will he resume his happy and playful attitude.

When I picked Freddy up he instantly melted into my arms and laid there absolutely limp. I asked him if he had a good sleep he said, "yeah". I asked him if he needed a snuggle and he just laid there. I held him for a little while until I needed to get something ready for the dinner so I asked him if I could put him down and while he had chocolate milk and he didn't answer so I tried it and he sat there. I gave him his chocolate milk and then went to work in the kitchen. About 5 minutes later I came back in and he put down his milk with out a fuss and asked me to hold him again. I picked him up and he instantly went limp again, totally relaxed. I started to recognize that he craved the relaxed state that I was in so I just held him and started saying positive, loving affirmations to him one of which was, "You are a Child of God". After about 5 minutes he looked up at me and said, "I m Cha a God". I said yes you are. Then he got down and started playing. He was so happy and content with everything the rest of the day. It was amazing.

Don't get any bigger OK?

2010-09-17T22:25:00.002-04:00

I remember when Freddy was first born I just couldn't get enough of him. I kept thinking, "Oh I just want him to stay this size forever!" Of course he kept growing....but something interesting happened...he kept getting more and more fun.

Just today I thought to myself, "I just wish Freddy could stay 18 months forever! He is so fun and so cute! I just want him to stay this way forever." I'm hoping that this trend keeps up through out the years. I hope no matter how big Freddy gets I can find joy in him...but for now I'll just keep praying he doesn't get any bigger.

Oh how I love my boy.

Raising Warriors

2010-09-15T03:53:00.002-04:00

Recently Burgess and I had the enlightening opportunity to hear from one of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Neil L. Anderson at our Stake Conference. I just wanted to document some of what I learned.

The focus of the meeting (at least in my mind) was on the temple and all I could think about was how important it is to make the temple a greater priority in our family so that we empower our children with the strength and protection the temple offers those who serve with in. I could not get the imagery of my children as little warriors and me feverishly working to arm them with every possible weapon and protection for when they go to battle. Obviously I thought of Ephesians 6:11-18. I've read that scripture 100 times but it never seemed so real or so important to me than while I listened to the conference and discussed it with Burgess. We both felt an urgency to make whatever sacrifice was necessary to go to the temple more frequently not for our own benefit as much as for our children.

As the conference began I wrote down what Elder Bednar calls an "Inspired Question" (which he instructed me and all the other missionaries I served with to write down at the start of any "revelatory experience" as he calls it) and the answer came so simply as Alma 26:21-22. As Burgess and I strive to make the temple more of a priority in our schedule we need also strive to make our home more like the temple.

I do believe the family is a sacred thing and a family, especially children, deserve a peaceful and even holy place to dwell as those in the family grow and learn. I hope that I can give my children a peaceful, happy and holy place to grow up. I hope that I can teach them the Gospel of Jesus Christ as well as my parents taught me. I hope that I am willing to do what is necessary to arm them and protect them against this dangerous and wicked world they live in.

I am so grateful for family and friends, near and far, that are on the same page, who help Burgess and I raise our children in light and truth. I'm so grateful for prayer and the instruction that the scriptures offer to those who have a pure heart, real intent and faith in God. And I am grateful for the temple, for the miracle of it's work and endless blessings that come from it.

Healing the Wounded Soldier

2010-08-15T18:28:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been "fighting" for two things. One extremely temporal and the other more spiritual. One of these things I've been worrying about for over a year and the other has been more recent. Well this morning I woke up and both things looked me straight in the face and said, "despite your best efforts, you lose." One right after the other. I was just devastated. Overwhelmed and overcome and so so very sad and A LOT MAD.

We were just about to be late for church so I just swooped everything up after exploding at my husband over nothing (actually him trying to help) and then was silent in the car on the way to church. I was brewing, boiling, bubbling with anger, disappointment and sadness. We pulled into the parking lot, I grabbed the bag and practically ran into the building not waiting for my husband and child. I found the first available seat and then went to run a quick errand to the Bishops office as if hurrying around was going to make things any better.

I sat there in Sacrament Meeting steaming and kept thinking that I was too mad to be at church, that I would get someone to teach my lesson and go home after sacrament meeting. Yep, going home from church. Not happy and won't cheer up, not even in this cheery place so I'm leaving.

I'm not sure where the sprig of faith came from as I'm not sure it's possible anything Godly could have survived inside of me for long but somehow I decided to stay and see what would happen even though my mind made it clear to anything meek and lowly left inside me that it would be absolutely impossible for my feelings to change today, this early....I was going to be mad for a while.

Something happened when I chose to listen to the talk for a moment. "Stop thinking so much of yourself and your trivial failure." My mind was filled with thoughts of people serving others and instantly I didn't care about one of my battles anymore. Amazing. Then I looked down at my beautiful little boy, kissed his head and the spirit whispered, "Just be grateful for what you do have right now." Wow. All that fretting and fuming gone. Just like that. The words of the Holy Ghost came into my body with purifying power healeding me right then and there.

That is the power of the Atonement. That is the power of just a sprig of faith.

Prisoner of War

2010-07-22T11:07:00.003-04:00

Today I woke up from a very restless sleep to rather disappointing circumstances. To top it all off I'm in terrible shape this morning feeling exhausted, a little sad, but mostly just in a lot of discomfort (no need to worry, I'll be better tomorrow).

Anyway, I did not want to get up and have to tend to all my mommy duties. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who took care of me and Freddy this morning but he did have to go to work and I was left alone with my very whiny and oft time cranky 16 1/2 month old who has a major attitude lately.

I'm so tired and not feeling well at all but I found the strength to go on a walk when I'd much rather lay down and let Freddy watch cartoons. When he threw a fit at the park and was ready to leave I found the strength NOT TO LOSE IT and carried all 22 lbs of him home even though I thought I might pass out from the heat and WHINING. Somehow I found it inside me to make Quinoa for lunch instead of Easy Mac. And when my friend called and asked if I could watch her baby during Freddy's nap I said, yes.

I've been rereading a book about WWII and part of the story is about a young man who was never really able to find it in himself to do anything worth while. Feeling down on himself he joined the military and ends up a prisoner of war. The book describes the horrible conditions he was asked to not only live through but work through and he talks about how it's God who gets him through. It's the Lord that gives him the strength to do the impossible.

This morning I was reading an article in the ensign that mentioned how we are at war every day good against evil. Sometimes the conditions for fighting the war are worse than others. Sometimes they are absolutely miserable but that isn't an excuse to not go out and fight. We need to be willing to go and fight no matter what and the Lord will give us the strength we may not have. If we yoke ourselves with Him we will win the war. We just have to be willing to fight. The Lord will provide the strength and the ability.

I'm not saying that Easy Mac is the devil or anything (I sure hope it isn't because Freddy LOVES it). I just realized today that those little tiny every day almost every minute little challenges like keeping your cool when you have no patience to start with and hugging and comforting a tired and cranky baby when you just want to be left alone are some of the most important challenges to win. We need to find the strength to discipline ourselves in these ways so that we raise our children in a loving and nurturing environment. We need to learn to think of others when we'd rather just think of ourselves. These things keep us decent and in the end make us like Christ.

OK - I'm done. So is Freddy for that matter...

Say a Prayer

2010-07-15T12:08:00.004-04:00

About 2 months ago Burgess and I realized that we always have "family" prayer right before we go to bed....in our bed....usually laying down...trying not to fall asleep. We realized that if we want Freddy to learn how to pray we'd better make it a true family event. We started having family prayer before Freddy goes to bed and before Burgess leaves for work in the morning. It didn't take long for Freddy to catch on. Freddy walks around the house a lot of the time folding his arms and then putting out his hands and saying, "aMEN". He also will walk up to me sit by me and fold his arms letting me know it's time to have a prayer. It's been great to have him as my little reminder. We always say sincere prayers even if it's over and over and over again. Well just about as fast as Freddy learned to pray we started forgetting here and there and then we were back to our previous routine. DON'T YOU HATE THAT?

Yesterday Burgess was running late and knelt down on the floor where Freddy and I were playing to give us kisses before he left. Freddy saw his Daddy kneeling and instantly folded his arms and bowed his head. I almost burst into tears. Thank goodness for these precious spirits the Lord allows us to care for. Burgess and I were deeply moved by our sons innocent act of faith and we have resolved to do better.

Thank you Freddy for being such a good boy. I hope you always keep the commandments with such faith. I love you, Mama.

2010-07-02T13:33:00.001-04:00

Now pair Doctrine and Covenants Section 93 with the talk below. It will blow your mind.

A few thoughts on parenting

2010-06-30T13:10:00.003-04:00

Go here for a good read on parenting. I have two pages of notes and can't wait to go back and study it again. There is a lot I need to change. I better get to it!

Better day

2010-06-03T21:33:00.002-04:00

I must have needed to get all of that off my chest because today I woke up feeling much better.

I cleaned my whole house today. Like...I CLEANED IT. I wish I could take a picture.

I made a delicious dinner of snow crab legs, red potatoes, sausage, and corn on the cob for my family and a few of our friends.

I signed Freddy up for a trial Gymboree class.

I returned something I didn't need and bought something I did need.

I also bought my future sister in law an ADORABLE and useful bridal shower gift and bought the cute couple a wedding gift as well.

Freddy was happy and content most the day. He fake laughed himself into bursts of real laughter for a while. He dusted most everything lower than 3 feet in the house. And we danced. We dance a lot.

I love my baby.

2010-06-02T21:08:00.002-04:00

I feel like I should post something new on here because every time I look at it and see "last updated one month ago" I feel guilty, like I was last "updated" a month ago.

Is it true? I feel like I'm at a brick wall. I just don't have the motivation to do the dishes, fold the laundry, make the dinner, pick up the living room for the 30th time, let alone wake up and work out. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I feel bored of the park and burnt out of throwing rocks and dirt. This morning while I was online researching fun and entertaining things to do with Freddy, he sat on the living room floor with a salty snack and watched Sesame Street...does that make me a bad mom?

I think I've gained like 5 lbs.

BLAH. Why do I feel this way?

I recently read an article that I loved (actually I've read A LOT of articles that I've loved) and even though I know it was not meant to make me feel bad about myself...I did feel bad. It kept saying, "A good woman [does this or that]" and so many times I was like, can I say I am a good woman?

I guess I just need an attitude adjustment...

....better get on my knees.

2010-04-23T20:35:00.002-04:00

The other day Freddy waked over to me and raised his little arms toward me. I picked him up and he pulled at my shirt (asking to nurse). I nursed him for a while and he soon fell asleep. THIS NEVER HAPPENS ANYMORE! I could have taken advantage of this spontaneous nap and taken care of about 3 million things around the house. I could have awaken him to keep him on his schedule. Instead....I held him. I held him in my arms for 45 minutes while he slumbered comfortably and peacefully. It was the best! I love my little boy so much! I can't believe he is getting so big. Where did my baby go?

To my Friend

2010-04-08T12:17:00.002-04:00

Dear Friend,

I have been in awe ever since we talked the other day. I am amazed by your faith and strengthened by you. You have inspired me to be better. You have given new life to my testimony of prayer and of the atonement. Thank you.

I love you and I'll call you next week,

Me

Tough Love

2010-03-29T08:24:00.002-04:00

It's been so long since I posted and now it feels like there is so much to post about. I'll try to keep this short and not blabby.

I have some wonderful people in my life, people that I love very much. Some of these wonderful people that I love, at times can be hurtful (do you have anyone in your life like that?). This has been going on for years and years and the other day I hit a breaking point. I just broke down in pain and tears. I tried to communicate how I felt. I have been praying for years to have the right words to help them understand my feelings but I don't know if I did a good job in between sobs. Anyway, I took some time to think and the pain just stung deeper and deeper and the sobs stronger. I realized that I've been hurting for so long and from so many different things that it will take a very long time for me to heal. I came to a point where I knew the only way to heal from this pain was through the Savior but in all my 25 years of life I'd never turned to the Lord with a problem of this magnitude and although I know that He is the answer I don't know how the healing process would work. Simply put it seemed impossible although I knew it wasn't.

Later that day during sacrament meeting we sang in my opinion the best sacrament hymn of all time, As Now We Take the Sacrament. As I sang that song I felt the love the Lord fill my soul. I heard His voice whisper to me that He loves me, that He is proud of me, that in His eyes I am good. I realized in that moment that it really doesn't matter what those wonderful people that I love think of me, it only matter what He thinks and He knows that although I'm not perfect I am really trying and that is all He asks. This experience humbled me enough to learn.

As my pain was replaced with love and gratitude for the Savior and my heart was getting really mushy I learned something very important. Wonderful people who hurt people they love are just wonderful people who have been hurt by people they love. People only act that way when it's the way they have been taught. Naturally people just try to survive in this world and I know I do it too. My resentment and frustration gradually shifted to love, forgiveness and sorrow. In this miraculous moment I learned something about charity, the pure love of Christ, that cannot be put into words.

Now...more tough love.

If I was feeling any bit of self pity before I am not now. I have a dear friend who just had something terrible happen. I can't imagine anything worse. When I was told I felt nauseous. I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it. I knew that it couldn't be true. Something this horrific could never happen to this person. She is on my list of sweetest, nicest, dearest people I've ever known. She has provided for me hours of selfless service. She doesn't even know how much I needed her in those times and she was consistently always there for me. Even just a few days before this unthinkable thing she was babysitting for me. I feel so guilty and wonder if that act of service is to blame. I feel completely helpless. I wish there was something I could do to comfort her or fix this problem. Since I found out I have just been sick and consumed by the thoughts of the pain she must be feeling. I haven't slept at all. I can't sleep. I close my eyes and just see her in her pain and I wish I could change what has happened. I wish I could take away her pain but I know that there is only one who can do this. I also know that there is a purpose in all things.

There is a reason the Lord lets us endure pain and if we turn to Him in the end the pain melts away and we are changed. Little by little we become more like Him so that one day we can live with Him. I have never been more grateful for the knowledge of the resurrection. This Easter I am praying for my friend and thanking the Lord for His mercy.

To my friend,

I am so so sorry. I want to respect your privacy and give you the space you probably really want right now, but please know that I am here for you. I love you and I am praying for you.

Your friend,

Me

Maria

2010-01-20T13:33:00.002-05:00

You only fail if you give up. As long as you keep trying Jesus will make sure you get there. He will. I promise.

Let me tell you about a pioneer named Maria (Pronounced Mariah)....

Maria was rescued along her journey to the Salt Lake Valley. She started her journey not from Nauvoo but from Liver Pool. She started out with a big family and by the time she made it to Salt Lake most of her children and her husband were resting with the Lord. Although Maria's journey was filled with sorrow tragedy and loneliness she did not give up. She ate dirt to silence her hunger pains and gave whatever food she could to her remaining children. When it got to be winter she walked through the snow day in and day out until her feet were frozen to the point that she could not walk on them anymore. Did she give up? :) No. She got down on her hands and knees and started crawling to Zion. She crawled through the snow until her hands were so frozen she couldn't use them anymore either. Did Maria give up? :) She did not. Maria was found along the trail crawling on her ELBOWS and her knees. The rescuers picked her up and put her in a wagon. She woke up in Zion. She gave all she could, she was going to keep the commandment to gather in Zion no matter what the Lord asked her to give. In the end she couldn't get there on her own. Her body would not allow it. She was too weak, but she did not lose faith because she knew she could depend on the strength of the Lord.

Maria, thank you for being a woman of faith. You inspire me.