This blog is about me changing. I have met so many amazing women in my life and have been so inspired by them. I want to be like that. I feel like I am looking down a long road but it is the most important road of my life. I am a new wife and now a mother. If there is ever a time to change it is now...
Lemma, My Angel
I was in such a dark place after I had Henrik that I was absolutely terrified to get pregnant. I made sure we were using multiple forms of birth control to make absolutely certain that I would not get pregnant again. I was drowning with the two children I had. I wasn't happy. I loved my children but I couldn't be happy. My life was a never ending round of sadness, guilt and fear. I wanted out of life. I knew I was failing as a mother and that is the most painful thing in the world. To be surrounded by the things you love most in the world -all day long- and know you are not enough and that you are failing them is torture. Pure torture. Having any more children was not an option. Worst idea ever. Scariest thing in the world.
I got pregnant with Lemma and I KNEW that it had to be God's will because we had made it pretty much impossible to get pregnant with her. I also felt like God must be trying to kill me off because there was no way I could survive another pregnancy, birth and torture of failing yet another little innocent baby. I was angry. I was terrified. I could not see how this could be a blessing to me AT ALL. I just felt like God added another life sentence in hell. Let me be clear, I never felt like my children were the reason for my hell. They are the sweetest, most loving, most wonderful and special people on this planet. It wasn't them. It was me.
There was no hope. No light, just a long dark tunnel of misery. My previous post describes my depression and the things I was trying to overcome it. HERE is the link to that story.
Even though I tried very hard, I could not overcome the fear of having another child. For the first time in my life I wanted to stay pregnant for as long as possible. I wasn't afraid of giving birth I was afraid of getting sicker during another postpartum and never getting out of the darkness I had been trapped in for so long. I loved little Lemma inside of me, but I was so scared to meet her. I just didn't know what would happen.
At some point during my pregnancy with her my husband gave me a priesthood blessing and blessed me that I would be healed and be perfectly healthy after having Lemma. You'd think that would have comforted me, and it did at times, but my faith was very low. I had been in such darkness I couldn't imagine a life with light. I just couldn't believe He could heal me.
I started researching Placenta Encapsulation and felt SURE that I needed to try it. I couldn't find one bad thing about it. I searched for negative/bad results type stories and information but I couldn't find anything. Now I'm not saying that it isn't out there, I'm just saying that in all of my research I could not find anything bad about taking placenta pills. I knew this was something God wanted me to try. I was excited to give it a try but I was very afraid that it wouldn't work for me (I just knew I'd be the first woman it didn't work for).
It came time for Lemma to come to earth (read her birth story HERE). My body reacted to her birth in the same way as with my last. My hormones went crazy. I bled like crazy on and off, I had terrible dreams, anxiety attacks, fears, sadness, hopelessness. I got my placenta pills on day two postpartum. I started taking them right away and immediately my bleeding stopped, the nightmares stopped and I felt much more in control of my emotions. ONE TIME I had an anxiety attack (we are talking, crying, shaking, FREAKING OUT - panic attack), took a placenta pill and with in minutes I was perfectly fine. One time I forgot to take one of my pills at night and when I woke up in the morning I was DRENCHED in blood. I had hemorrhaged in the night. I never forgot a pill again. Even though I knew the pills were working I was still afraid. I was so afraid that it was just too good to be true.
I prayed and prayed for relief and for healing. I knew I had been blessed with the gift of healing but I also knew that I needed faith in order to receive this gift. I prayed steadily for the faith I needed to be healed for weeks. Day after day I asked God to help me to be able to hope in Christ that He could really truly heal me from all the pains I had been experiencing for so long.
One day I was reading my scriptures about faith and through the spirit felt directed to stop where I was and meditate on the things I had read. I obeyed. I felt a physical presence enter my body and I knew in that moment I had acquired the faith I needed to be healed. Since that day I have only gotten better and better and better. I am weaning myself off of the placenta pills and doing great. I have never in my life been this happy and healthy. I can't believe that I have this much energy and motivation. I get more done with three children than I ever did with NO children. The change that has taken place in me is nothing short of a miracle.
I wanted to share these very personal things with everyone for one reason and that is to give glory to the One responsible for healing me. I just KNEW that having another baby was the worst possible thing that could have happened to me. God knew that I would never choose to get pregnant again which meant I would have suffered so much longer than I did. But God loves me and He knew that I needed this baby (and our placenta) in order for my body to heal. I thought I could never hope again. God knew He could restore me to a happy life filled with faith and love through His Son Jesus Christ. He knew just how to heal me and even though it wasn't easy and for the most part - very painful, it was so worth it! I would do it all again a million times over if it meant that I could have my beautiful Lemma girl with me forever. She has the sweetest, kindest and bravest spirit I've ever felt.
I know that before Lemma was born, she was asked to do a great work. God asked her to be born to a very sick mother. Her very first assignment in life would be to be the instrument Christ would use to heal me and therefore save our family. I know that before she was born she knew what she was being asked to do and being filled with love and courage she accepted the assignment full of faith that Christ would not fail her.
Lemma saved me. This sweet little baby saved my life. I really believe that it was her faith in Jesus Christ that gave me what I needed to turn to Him. I am a witness of His power, His Grace, His love and His infinite atonement. He is the Savior. He is my Savior. He is your Savior. He is the greatest of all. There is nothing He can't do and there is NO ONE He can't save.