Dear baby

Dear baby,


I wonder,

When you become heavy with sleep on my chest can you hear my heart beating?
Can you feel that it beats deep and strong for you?

I wonder dear sweet baby,
When I kiss your beautiful face if you can feel my breath?
Can you feel how passionately I breath for you?

My baby, I wonder,
When I hold you and look into your eyes can you see your reflection?
Can you feel how special I know you are?

I wonder my baby,
When I think about how much I love you does your heart stir with warmth?
I want to know baby...can you feel me loving you?

I hope you can.

Mama.

Never Felt So Alive

I haven't felt so alive in SO LONG (way too long)!

I got dressed today. I did my hair and put on some make up and everything!
I cleaned my whole house. I did laundry and folded it and put it away too!
Even though I was tired I turned off the T.V. and searched for "clues" with Freddy and did a little project with him as well.
I fed my family dinner and did the dishes
I made a meal plan for the coming week and a grocery list.
I got to rock BOTH of my boys to sleep and hold them and snuggle them and love love love them.
Now I'm about to snuggle up with my love to watch one of the movies on our list of non-rated R Oscar nominated movies.

It just feels so good to be able to move and to feel motivation...to accomplish something...to serve.

I didn't sleep very well last night. The baby didn't sleep great and my husband was going crazy in his sleep last night and so between the two of them I got up this morning and felt like I wouldn't be able to make it through the day. I told myself, "this will be the day you just turn on the T.V. and let Freddy do whatever he wants. You just take care of the baby and try to get in some sleep whenever he sleeps."

I did turn on the T.V. for Freddy and gave him dry cereal with a cup of milk for breakfast. The baby was fed and happy so I just decided to do one thing. The one thing I have been wanting to be done for days and days....pick up my room. I decided that if I did just that one thing then I really wouldn't have to feel guilty about doing anything else on a day that I was oh so tired. So I picked up my room. I put away clothes and made my bed and even reorganized my drawers. Aaaahhh....it felt so good. So I just kept going and kept going. Every time I accomplished something more it was that much more energizing. I couldn't believe myself as I was mopping my kitchen floor! Oh my goodness! The joy that filled me as I vacuumed out my couch!

I realize that it is sad that doing normal motherly/wifely duties can make me feel so wonderful but things have been so incredibly rough this past year. I haven't been able to have days like this....normal days, for almost a year. I remember when I was "fine" having days where I was so bored by my life that I felt so annoyed at doing the dishes, at having to vacuum......making dinner...again....blah.

I know I'll probably have days like that again but today I am so grateful to feel alive and well. I hope I have many more of these days much more often.

Sealing Us Closer Together

I've been wanting to write about this for a little while now, but I haven't because I just haven't been able to come up with the right words.....

But I've got dinner made, house is clean, boys are both asleep and the laundry I was suppose to be folding now needs another turn in the dryer so I just decided to start writing while I have opportunity and maybe the right words will find their way.

Henrik's birth was an amazing experience for me in so many ways. I have never felt so close to my Father in heaven. I couldn't have imagined the spiritually enlightening experience it would be to be so connected to my body. The euphoria the overtook me as I birthed my sweet little baby boy was amazing. But what I wanted to document is the bond that Henrik's birth brought to my husband and I.

I have never felt more grateful for him. I have never felt so in love with him. I have never felt so connected to him. I have never seen him with these eyes. Henrik's birth changed me and somehow changed us. It is like the sealing that we entered into 4 years ago was renewed and strengthened because of our choice to bring our baby into this world in the loving home that we have worked so hard to create.

As I labored with Henrik I felt Heavenly father make His holy presence known at a very specific time. I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget the moment I held Henrik for the first time, or the first time we got to introduce Freddy to his little brother. But the blessing that Burgess and I have received in our marriage has come in so many little, seemingly small moments.

It's in all those moments I was so sick and tired during the pregnancy that Burgess took over so many of my responsibilities on himself.

It's in the moments I was feeling sad and depressed that he held me and reassured me.

It's in all those moments that I could feel how much he loves me with out him saying anything at all.

It's in moment that I started pushing Henrik out. I was scared for the first time and he was all of the sudden right by my side and telling me everything I needed to hear.

It was when he burst into tears as he saw our newest son for the first time.

It's in all the nights that he wakes up with Henrik and Freddy in the night to do the feedings, to change the diapers, to do the rocking, to say the prayers over hurting knees or bad dreams.

It's in all those moments he prays over our family and makes sure to start the prayer by taking my hand and end the prayer by giving me a kiss.

It's in all these small and simple moments that we have been sealed closer together. I realize now that we can renew our promises to each other every single time we take the time and we take the love in our hearts to do all of these little things.

I am so grateful for a husband to honestly loves, who willingly serves and who is so completely devoted to his family.

I can't believe God gave him to me.