Just me and my Freddy boy

Freddy has been so fun lately. I don't think it's because he recently changed in some way...I think it's because I've been changing.

The last 6 months have been so very challenging and stressful. This pregnancy has not been easy on me physically or emotionally. The stress of moving took its toll as well and I feel like I have been on the brink of depression for way too long. I'm so sad that Freddy had to live with a mother like that for so long. He is such a wonderful child and I always feel so guilty when I'm not just as perfect as he is (which means I feel like that pretty much ALWAYS).

Anyway, since we have moved and settled into a new home and environment I feel like I have finally been able to relax again. I have a midwife I totally trust and I'm feeling completely confident about the homebirth we are planning for Henrik. I feel like I can finally breath again (which is funny because physically I canNOT breath and my constant heartburn is suffocating me!)....Since things have settled down, I have been shocked at how much fun Freddy and I are having each day. Even though we are inside most of the time and I am still trying to rest as much as I can we are having a blast!

We play blocks and build super high towers and then knock them over and laugh and laugh. We talk about how much daddy is going to LOVE our "HUGE" tower, even though both of us know he'll never lay eyes on it.

We play trains and go round and round the track saying, "chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga....CHOO CHOO!!!!!!"

We bounce and BOUNCE on the......... "COLORFUL....BOUNCING....BOUNCING......BOUNCING.....BOUNCING.............BALL!" (the birthing ball).

We dance and we sing and we plug each others noses while saying silly things in the funny nasal voice that comes out.

We play with a yellow balloon and throw it up in the air and try not to let it touch the ground - this is completely thrilling and totally suspenseful EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

We paint pictures and color pictures and write lots of things on big pieces of project paper.

I chop up vegetables and Freddy steals bites of them thinking he is so sneaky and funny while I'm thinking this is a great game cause he would NEVER eat these things so willingly if he thought I wanted him to.

We read stories. Freddy reads most of the stories to me. He remembers them all word for word and just loves to look at the pictures and read with me. He sits on my lap and gets so comfortable and snuggles right in and as I read he will finish the sentences or just take over altogether. I am always shocked when he can do this after we have only read a story once or twice....it never gets old, his intelligence.

We play dinosaurs. My dinosaur (Blue) always wants to sing and dance and Freddy's dinosaur (appropriately named, Dinosaur) always comes flying at mine. It is the cause of much laughter.

We have tickle fights and Freddy always loses (but that is the way he likes it).

We talk about his dreams. Lately he wants to talk about the flying bug in his dream. He also reassures himself that I am not a dinosaur like I was in his dream but I am in fact "just a mama", and tells me about how daddy saved him. He also had a dream that he was "lost and fallin' down" - we snuggled and snuggled after this dream quite a bit.

We "send messages" on Skype to our favorite Skype contacts (Auntie Kerstin, Nana, and Ye Ye). This is a favorite activity.

We watch videos on the computer. Freddy's favorites are as follows, "Video I'm Born", "Video I'm Eating" and "Video I'm Playin' Wii".

We talk about Henrik and to Henrik and Freddy is always so quick to give his baby brother lots of snuggles and kisses and to say, "It's OK Henrik, we right here...." He's anticipating LOTS of crying and we talk a lot about how we can make Henrik feel better. These things include, patting him on the bum, giving him "mama's milkies" and giving him a "blankie".

We have also started watching "THE PRICE IS.....RIGHT!" (on occasion). It is so funny how much Freddy gets into this show. He will yell out, "WE WON $25,000!!!!" and I've even heard him telling his "guys" (stuffed animals) that they have, "WON A NEEEEW.....CAR!"

Today we went outside. It is sunny and beautiful out today. It is warm enough in the sun that we went out with just a hat and a sweatshirt to play. We piled up the leaves and threw them up in the air. We hit the leaves with a "BIG STICK" and watch them go flying. We played hide and seek, where Freddy hid in between two branches of a tree every single time. We tossed a beach ball back and forth and "ran FAST, SO fast". We threw leaves at each other and tickled each others noses with little "baby leaves". We snuggled in the sun when we got a tad bit chilly and then we sang songs including a made up one that goes like this:

Twinkle twinkle Freddy's belly, how I wonder if your smelly. Up above your knees so far, like a pumpkin on a bar. Twinkle, twinkle Freddy's belly, how I wonder if your SMELLY!!!!!

We played and played until we were too tired to play anymore. It was wonderful, just like every other day as of late. These last few days have reminded me of how sacred the past 2 years, 8 months, 1 week and 1 day have been.

It's been Freddy and me for almost 3 years. Just us. He's been perfect and wonderful and I have struggled and made so many mistakes. It makes me sick to think about how much of him I missed out on when the days got long and hard and I allowed myself to be grouchy, selfish and impatient. My heart aches when I consider the times that I didn't handle myself as a mother of the Lords divine children should, and caused my precious little boy pain.

I have been humbled to tears when I think back on this time and am confronted with the fact that Freddy loves me so purely and so powerfully despite all these mistakes I have made. Despite my complete and utter imperfection, this child, this perfect child, still loves me and thinks I am wonderful.

I am so excited for Henrik to arrive. I am so excited for him to officially join our family here on earth. I can't wait to hold him, nurse him, snuggle him, sing to him and love him every day. I can't wait to see what he looks like and to see if his personality is anything like I have imagined, BUT....

at the same time, there is a tiny part of me that is so sad. I am so sad that this very sacred time that I have had with my first born will be coming to an end. Soon it will no longer be just me and my Freddy boy. I'm not sure how to explain it. All I know is that this time with him has been the most amazing time of my life. I have learned and grown so much as I have mothered my little Freddy boy and I am sad that I am now moving on. I guess it's kind of like coming home from a mission...it's so exciting and just WONDERFUL but at the same time it's so hard to leave and your so sad that its over and you know that once your gone you can never go back.

Freddy,

I just want you to know how much I love you. I can never thank you enough for being my first born. You are such a special boy and I know that no one could have ever done the amazing job you have done of bringing me closer to the Savior. No one could ever take your place. You will be my baby boy forever. I'm sorry for all of my mistakes. Thank you for constantly forgiving me. You have taught me so much....you will never know. I love you, I love you, I LOVE you. I hope you will always know that.

Are you ready to be a big brother? I know you are more ready for this than I am...

Love you too much and TOO much,

Mama