torn

i feel torn.

i've been working at something for years and years. something very difficult for me. it's been really hard but i feel like i've kept trying and praying and pressing forward.

part of the reason it has been so hard is because there has been almost no sign that any of the effort i have put into this quest has made any difference at all. as hard as i've tried it doesn't appear that anyone involved has acknowledged (or maybe accepted is a better word) my attempts to make changes.

i go through phases where i feel hopeless. i feel like no matter what i do or how much i change it won't make any difference. just when i'm ready to throw in the towel and say "ok - that's it. i'm done trying", i tell myself i can't give up. the end goal is too important. and it is.

but.

how long do i allow myself to be in a situation that pains me so much? how long do i subject myself to the hurt? is it ever ok to just....take a break. it's not like i would ever go back to my old ways. i never hope to see that "amy" ever again, i'm so ashamed of who i have been and i have worked so hard to be a better person, i don't want to lose what i have achieved.

i'm torn because, would i be giving up if i did separate myself from this situation for a while? would i be the person i want to be if i did that? or is it ok to have moments of weakness where i just focus on getting myself through a hard time without the negativity that i have been dealing with for years?

it's just a really hard thing. i don't want to give up, but i don't know how much more i can take of this (without formal counseling and medication). i wish there was a way for me to just not care but it's just not that easy and actually considering the situation i don't think that would be very healthy either.

so i'm torn.

and i'm sad.

i wish i knew a better way to accomplish what it is i've been trying to achieve for so long. i wish i had a promise that it would happen someday, maybe that would make it easier to keep pressing on time and time and time again.

i just wish i knew the answers - but i have none. i'm just going on what i think i should do....and now i don't even know what that is....

yep. torn.